A few days back I posted a line asking ‘At what level does a gay man go from being queer to being a fag? How low does he have to stoop?’
There seems to have been a lot of deliberation about who I was referring to, or what it was that I was talking about. I guess that it can be directed towards a lot of people.
That Sunday I had gotten a phone call from a friend of mine telling me about people feeling like they needed to discuss me, my habits, and my reputations. Apparently I have managed to piss yet another person off because I didn’t want to play his games. So, he felt it was his place to discuss everything that I was into now, and what I had done back in my previous town of residence. It was interesting to hear the words ‘whore’ and ‘freak’ again. Apparently the feeling is that I had slept with everyone around the town and cleared out all the available people, so had to relocate for fresh meat.
That probably isn’t the most disturbing assumptions that had been made on things in my life. It was what was said after that which really drove a knife into my back and my heart. I was told that I never really cared for people, and that I used them as long as I needed something. ‘I guess the escort mentality never leaves you.’ If that were the case, then I don’t think I would have been able to hold a marriage or a relationship that had lasted a combined total of four and half years. Yes, I have my issues, and I have my past, but so do a lot of people. The fact is that, while not proud of it, I am willing to face it and speak about it.
What I really have to laugh at when it comes to fags is that they think their shit doesn’t stink. They hold themselves higher than everyone else. And while it is okay for them to sleep around heavily, do drugs, throw parties every night, cheat on their partners, and more, it is trashy for anyone else to do so. Their friends are those who are friendly to the face, but gossip-mongers when the back is turned. And to hell with those who actually give a shit and try to point out the double-standards, or warn them of dangers. They make assumptions on the littlest amount of information available. And they wonder why half the population, gay or straight, doesn’t like them. It is hard for them to grasp why everyone doesn’t party and ‘live it up’ on a regular basis, buying the expensive clothes.
It is sad to see someone that you care about going down that wrong path. And, while I do feel that it is important for everyone to live their own life, I also think that it is important for them to listen to the advice of their friends…the ones who have truly cared. Life is more than sex, drugs, money and alcohol. It is more than worrying about what other people think about you. Image is not everything if you don’t have the security of your life, friends, and family behind and within you.
I am told I am a prick because I don’t expose my emotions when others ‘pour’ their heart out to me. I had to ask a close friend about it because I had gotten so devastated that someone felt that I had hurt them so much. (My friends know that I don’t like to hurt people, although it does happen sometimes.) He explained to me that to those who don't know me that well, or have not had the chance to get to know me too much due to current circumstances, I might come off that way (prickish) or as a cold-hearted bitch. But, to those who were able to get to know me before so many things sprung up, I am an odd combination of reservations and up-frontness. Due to circumstances going with work and the strong possibilities of going back to school, I have been very much a 'this is how I am, take it or leave it' person, and he told me that not many people are able to deal with that very easily. For so long I placed my life on hold for other people that I am trying to charge of it myself and do something for me that will be about me. Doesn’t mean that I don’t keep an open mind on things, but I have to look out for myself first and foremost. I just ask that my friends keep that in mind. I will do what I can for you…just be a little patient if it doesn’t come out the way that you would like.
So, I ask you this… What is important to you? What do you hold dear to you? How willingly can you relinquish the past, and how people may have hurt you? Can you be the adult and move on? Or do you wish to remain the child, lower your standards, and say fuck everyone, they are all assholes and know absolutely nothing? I would hope that you would see that life is not the black and grey; that it is filled with plenty of colour.
I have a past, I admit that. I made bad choices growing up. But I learned from them, from those that were around looking out for my well-being. I grew into the person that I am today. I have tried to move past the pain and the hurt that I experienced in the last eight years…even though I live with vivid memories of it all. I do my best not to judge people as I don’t like being judged. But, as we are all human, it is an every day part of life.
I have two quotes on my Myspace…. “I’m not a bitch, I just speak the truth; I’m not a slut, I just get every guy I want; I’m not a heartbreaker, I just get bored easily; I’m not cocky, I’m confident.” plus “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. (Dr Seuss)” I think that bothe appropriate apply to me…and probably to many more. ¶ 7/26/2007 06:40:00 PM 1 comments
Per Imagini I have been classifed as the following:
Mood: Easy Rider
Always taking life how it comes, and living in the moment. They don't get fazed by life, they just breeze through.
My full explanation – You're a bit of a romantic and have a taste for the exotic. You love feeling the sea breeze in your hair, sun on your skin…Slip those shoes off…you like to kick back. When it comes to art, you have a traditional and anthropological eye. You appreciate the history of a piece, the stories that it holds – you are a touch sentimental! As for music, it's the soundtrack to your world. It gives you focus, and concentration – you might find it hard to switch off. Your choice of treat shows you love being a little bit naughty. Being good all the time is a bore. You've got a good sense of fun and maybe an infectious giggle.
Fun: Conqueror
They are full of ambition, and energy – cavalier and always moving onto the next level.
My full explanation – You take any opportunity to tune out and immerse yourself in your own world. You like to keep a healthy distance and not get too caught up in all the dramas life can throw at you – keeping a cool head. For kicks, you like to experience life at full volume with the lights on full. You're extremely passionate and emotional, and a bit of an exhibitionist? You express yourself and don't mind who's watching. When it comes to holidays, there's no stopping you once you've got the taste for adventure. You like to be immersed in a completely different world and would be really bored just sitting around on the beach. What grosses you out? You like to be well groomed, with a tight bod and heaps of sex appeal. Wobbly bits and hairy areas are a complete turn off.
They are only seen in the best, and the finest, they love top quality, high-end glamour. Always adding a touch of sophistication to the proceedings.
My full explanation – Even if you have a healthy approach to life, you still have your little vices that keep you going. It is all part of the routine, you're a creature of habit. Your choice of drink reflects your classic taste – yes you're a bit of glamorous one. You probably like to get dressed up, go out, and be seen! As for the home you have very cool and contemporary tastes – a bit of a style monger actually. It's not just about function – your environment has to be as stylish as you are.
They are the type to fall in love a thousand times a day. Their feelings snowball quickly, and they are full of passion.
My full explanation – A strong friendship is the best basis for any loving relationship. You like to be able to share your whole life with your friends, family and your partner. When you think of freedom – you think of being in charge of your direction. The open road and a full tank can take you pretty much anywhere.
¶ 7/19/2007 06:56:00 PM 0 comments
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