Crawl into My Head
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
Let Go/White Lies
Paul van Dyk feat Rea - Let Go
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Paul van Dyk featuring Jessica Sutta - White Lies
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Once and Future Wonders
Monday, November 26. Who would have thought that today would mark the beginning of my last month in North Carolina. Wow…it seems like this is just a dream. Only two and half months ago I had made the decision to uproot my life yet again in pursuit of the next chapter of my life.
The last few months have not been the greatest in my life, although I have made the best of most of it. I have made some new friends, for which I am always grateful.
However, a good amount of the pain has come from those already tied into my life. And that is the part that I have not dealt with as well.
A couple of weeks ago I got into an argument with someone who states that he cares for and loves me in regards to the move. I didn't expect him to be thrilled with my planned relocation, as I didn't expect any of my friends to be. But, I was a little put off by his attitude on it. He likened his support of my move to that of giving a recovering alcoholic a drink. I just couldn't see that…it was such a negative connotation that I was shocked that he had even come up with it.
With a lot of the bad shit that had gone on in my past here that I have been trying to get through, over and around, why would my move be considered in such a light? If anything, the chance for me to make further steps in improving myself should be a good thing. Or so I would have thought. I was told that him not jerking a knot in me was the best that he could give…that he could not go blindly on faith and luck, nor encourage anyone else to do so for that matter.
Not sure what to make of that. I know that through all the shit I experienced over the last years, and what I still face now, I have done pretty well to keep a strong front and not let it get me down. Do I get depressed at times? Most definitely. I would have to be inhuman not to feel some sort of emotion, whether it is joy at the good times or sadness in the darker nights.
Recovering from drug addictions, escaping the hell of my parents, learning how to pick myself up after nearly being killed by an ex-husband…just a few things that I have dealt with over the years. Maintaining a solid face is not an easy thing, especially when I suffer from the inability to ask for help most times. But trying to ask for it has not been easy when I have not gotten the same thing from others that was always expected from me. I have been met with sarcasm, or conditions, or others selfish expectations of what I should be doing for them instead. Only a very rare few have actually given me encouraging words for the upcoming move. Well, the ones that are based here, anyway.
I don't know; I guess maybe that is my problem. I always expect more from others in regards to their actions because they know that I give it my all. I try not to treat others with disrespect, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt and a second chance. Did I become too forgiving with each year added to my life? I don't think that I have, but who knows. I guess after all the crap I have gone through, and seen others go through, that I still held out hope, instead of letting myself become jaded like other friends of mine have done with their advancing years.
I recently had a friend get really ill and has finally gotten on his feet. But the first things that were spread about him after it became knowledge of his being ill was that he was involved in drugs and had overdosed. The rumours that fly so quickly are so amazing. Everyone here is so wrapped up in their self-righteousness that they are quick to put down everyone else and assume the worst. He is doing fine now, but it was just shocking when he told me that.
I dunno…I can only live my life for me, regardless of how others feel. I have to be strong for me because, ultimately, it comes down to me being the one there for me. I hear all the time from my friends out of town what is going on in their lives, and how upset they are. All I may be able to do is provide words of encouragement and the knowledge that things work out in the end. But, I don't let my sadness prevent me from giving them the support they need and deserve.
But, that is just me. Maybe I am wrong and should say screw it……… ¶ 11/26/2007 01:20:00 PM 0 comments
The last few months have not been the greatest in my life, although I have made the best of most of it. I have made some new friends, for which I am always grateful.
However, a good amount of the pain has come from those already tied into my life. And that is the part that I have not dealt with as well.
A couple of weeks ago I got into an argument with someone who states that he cares for and loves me in regards to the move. I didn't expect him to be thrilled with my planned relocation, as I didn't expect any of my friends to be. But, I was a little put off by his attitude on it. He likened his support of my move to that of giving a recovering alcoholic a drink. I just couldn't see that…it was such a negative connotation that I was shocked that he had even come up with it.
With a lot of the bad shit that had gone on in my past here that I have been trying to get through, over and around, why would my move be considered in such a light? If anything, the chance for me to make further steps in improving myself should be a good thing. Or so I would have thought. I was told that him not jerking a knot in me was the best that he could give…that he could not go blindly on faith and luck, nor encourage anyone else to do so for that matter.
Not sure what to make of that. I know that through all the shit I experienced over the last years, and what I still face now, I have done pretty well to keep a strong front and not let it get me down. Do I get depressed at times? Most definitely. I would have to be inhuman not to feel some sort of emotion, whether it is joy at the good times or sadness in the darker nights.
Recovering from drug addictions, escaping the hell of my parents, learning how to pick myself up after nearly being killed by an ex-husband…just a few things that I have dealt with over the years. Maintaining a solid face is not an easy thing, especially when I suffer from the inability to ask for help most times. But trying to ask for it has not been easy when I have not gotten the same thing from others that was always expected from me. I have been met with sarcasm, or conditions, or others selfish expectations of what I should be doing for them instead. Only a very rare few have actually given me encouraging words for the upcoming move. Well, the ones that are based here, anyway.
I don't know; I guess maybe that is my problem. I always expect more from others in regards to their actions because they know that I give it my all. I try not to treat others with disrespect, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt and a second chance. Did I become too forgiving with each year added to my life? I don't think that I have, but who knows. I guess after all the crap I have gone through, and seen others go through, that I still held out hope, instead of letting myself become jaded like other friends of mine have done with their advancing years.
I recently had a friend get really ill and has finally gotten on his feet. But the first things that were spread about him after it became knowledge of his being ill was that he was involved in drugs and had overdosed. The rumours that fly so quickly are so amazing. Everyone here is so wrapped up in their self-righteousness that they are quick to put down everyone else and assume the worst. He is doing fine now, but it was just shocking when he told me that.
I dunno…I can only live my life for me, regardless of how others feel. I have to be strong for me because, ultimately, it comes down to me being the one there for me. I hear all the time from my friends out of town what is going on in their lives, and how upset they are. All I may be able to do is provide words of encouragement and the knowledge that things work out in the end. But, I don't let my sadness prevent me from giving them the support they need and deserve.
But, that is just me. Maybe I am wrong and should say screw it……… ¶ 11/26/2007 01:20:00 PM 0 comments
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