Today What can I say...it has been a true stereotypical Monday. You know the one, the day where you just wish you could curl back up in bed and sleep the day away because things don't want to work the way you would really really like it to. That has been today. I didn't get to bed until late last night because I had a hard time passing out, woke up a few hours later and finally ended up getting up when the alarm went off at 6am. I should have just taken the Zyrtec and taken my chances this morning.

DB Boulevard "Point of View" (White Party 2003 courtesy of Masterbeat)
I don't have a cent
Will I pay my rent
And even my car doesn't work
Me and my man, he's the one
To die for, we have split up

* Can't you see, life's easy
If you consider things
From another point of view
Ahhh, ah-ha yeah
In another way
From another point of view

** (Yeah, yeah, yeah) ahhh, ah-ha yeah
In another way
From another point of view

I see life and lights
All the colours of the world
So beautiful won't you come with me
I've seen birds and trees
All the flowers of the world
So beautiful won't you come with me

Well, over the weekend my roommate told me about some stuff that was written about me online by someone I had attempted a relationship with. I finally read the blog this morning and was not very thrilled. A lot of dealt with feelings that he had during the time that we were trying to talk that he didn't feel pertinent to inform me about. He made some comments that really hurt such as "I felt this person was not in tune with anyone's emotions but his own.", "I perceive him to be a very hateful, uncompromising, and emotionally unstable", "I got an "ah ha" that perhaps that was his MO, to create negative and turbulent situations to keep up with some sort of self gratification." I have never been that sort of person, as many of my friends can attest. He stated (and this is somewhat paraphrased) that it was not his job to figure them out (regarding feelings). A person's feelings define a lot of who they are, as do their experiences. If you truly wish to get to know someone, then you need to be willing to find that out and be willing to dive deep inside of someone. (THAT is figuratively speaking of course.) Then he unwittingly made a jab of "May in my opinion was a very bad month and is a carry over from April. Mainly because I had some personal conflicts with myself in reference to a guy I was seeing. It was one of those situations where one should know better. It is rare I let personal bleed into personal/professional, but I feel the main reason is because I honestly don't date like others do in terms of numbers. Perhaps I expected too much. Let me highlight the reasons for my dilemma: He was significantly younger and had not shared similar life experiences I have had." Everyone has their own experiences that will end up defining who they are as a person as they get older. I had my own painful experiences, and he states that he did too. I don't doubt him on that, but don't expect everyone to go through the same thing. I didn't tell him a lot of what I went through because I wasn't prepared emotionally to deal with ghosts from the past; it hurt too much. A later blog entry regarding a recent dinner date states "He is a little older than me, but it seems the older guys have much more in common to me than younger as their life experiences have not had the accelerated growth mine has had." (his date that night) It is not the age that matters on things. If you want things to work out for any reason, whether it is love or friendship, you learn all that you can, one step at a time, and never make any assumptions. The first assumption made can unmake all that has been put together.

With this entry, I close the door to a chapter in my life of the last month. I apologize to him again for distracting him from his goals, and causing him so much pain. I am not always an easy person to date as I can be very independent, and not many understand that. But I do wish him the best with himself, and hope that the last month has taught him a few things as it has me. I take the next step forward into the unknown.

And so I close this with the lyrics from Vonda Shepard's "Searchin' My Soul"...
I've been down this road walkin' the line
That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life
That I just can't hide
Oh I believe I am ready for what love has to bring
Got myself together, now I'm ready to sing

I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home

One by one, the chains around me unwind
Every day now I feel that I can leave those years behind
Oh I've been thinking of you for a long time
There's a side of my life where I've been blind and so...

I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
Everything gonna be alright
I've been searchin' my soul tonight
Don't wanna be alone in life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home

Baby I been holding back now my whole life
I've decided to move on now
Gonna leave all my worries behind
Oh I belive I am ready for what love has to give
Got myself together now I'm ready to live

I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
Everything gonna be alright
I've been searchin' my soul tonight
Don't wanna be alone in my life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home

It is a fine thing to have ability, but the ability to discover ability in others is the true test.
-- Elbert Hubbard  ¶ 6/06/2005 10:40:00 AM