Thoughts, Feelings and Pain Thank god that it is Friday. Not that anything really major is planned for this weekend. I have my JDRF walk tomorrow. It has been a long time since I have gotten up and done something energetic on a Saturday. Normally it is time to relax and watch the Saturday morning cartoons. But I have decided that I need to get more motivation to do something…get out and active. I have been paying for a gym membership for the last few months yet hardly utilized it. When I was younger, I used to be in great shape, swimming three to five times a week in practice before participating in swim meets throughout the county. Never really enjoyed the competitive side of things, but it did keep me in shape and gave me a good body.

My friends laugh at me when I talk about going to the gym and always ask why I want to work out. Ever since I can remember, I have always been on the slender side, not going over 130 pounds. It is very rare for me to even get up that high and keep it…the metabolism demolishes anything that I gain. I spend a lot of my time working and don’t get a chance to relax very often. I stay stressed due to current situations with very little chances for a way out. Hitting the pool for thirty minutes, the path at the nearby park, something to release the stress might help out some. My eating habits need to change as well…I would like to get more than a 4.7% body fat content. Whenever I get sick, it hits me hard and I tend to lose even more weight. (Okay; I just took a break to get some water before starting work officially…I am now at 124.5lbs. NOT HAPPY) Hopefully, too, my relocating in a few months will also assist and put me in better environments. Speaking of which, I am still working on that. Not sure where I will end up yet.

First one must change. I first watch myself, check myself, then expect changes from others. ~His Holiness The 14th Dalai Lama


So last night I watched Primetime on ABC. Hadn’t watched in awhile (normally on Cartoon Network when I am bullshitting around the room). Got a little freaked out. They did a story on two 13-year old twin girls from the group “Prussian Blue”. Care to take a guess where the name comes from? It goes to honor their German heritage and blue eyes. Okay, that part isn’t bad. I can see how someone wants to honor their heritage. But the real kicker? Their music goes to honor Adolf Hitler, his commanders, and their ideals. The interviewer asked how they could believe that? He killed 6,000+ Jews during his regime. Response: Everything is over-exaggerated and one sister even had the nerve to state “I don’t believe there ever could have been that many Jews alive at that time.” Excuse me?!?!?! Did I just miss something here? Was my own heritage such a lie? Did my grandfather and his parents flee from Russia during WWII for no reason? Hmm…maybe all the history books were wrong and I was just taught a bunch of bull. Sorry, I don’t think so. While discussing the girls, the story went on to interview the owner of Resistance Records, a major hate records label. He hopes that their music matures to harder stuff that will appeal to even more of the headstrong “whites only” populace. They followed this guy to Charlotte, NC (of all places), to a rock concert where they passed out free cds and flyers to possible candidates to conversion to the white supremacy cause.

I live as a minority in two cases: 1)I was raised Jewish and have lived most of my life in the Bible Belt of the United States; 2)I am gay. Both of those things go against all white supremacists beliefs. No, I cannot really change my religion, as that was part of my heritage growing up. Being adopted, I cling to everything that I know from my childhood. I do not participate as fully as I had when I was younger, opting for being a more spiritual person, than a religious one. And, despite what a lot of people say, I did not decide to be gay. That has always been a part of me, ever since I was around twelve. I always knew that I was different, but it wasn’t until then, when I started exploring my sexual side in private, that I fully realized how different. Through middle school and most of high school I hid it from everyone, but did accidentally out myself to my girlfriend at the time through a little short story with a very graphic gay sex scene. Whoops! Only a few people after that knew until I made it official at the age of 17, when I had moved out from the parental units and was able to play on my own.

I cherish my life and my lifestyle with pride. I don’t appreciate people who have been uneducated making statements that are either completely false, or only have a half-truth to them. I would like to see people taught the facts. Which, this brings me to another thing. Last Sunday I was laying in bed watching HBO around 6 or 7 in the morning and they were covering AIDS in Russia. Last year, a group of people decided to do a little march through Moscow with a giant red ribbon wrapped around them. The cameraman and narrator followed along and stopped to talk to a few of the people that were watching the parade. One guy said he was “in favor of AIDS because it only hit druggies and homos. If the fags get sick and die, then I vote for it. If the druggies die from it, then I vote for it.” A little later he was talking to one of the paraders who said “why do you hate me so much? Do I not deserve to live? I cherish my life? I cannot harm you by shaking hands. If I kissed you, you would need to swallow 2 litres of saliva before you could become infected.” (Okay, slightly paraphrased since the exact wording I wrote down is not in front of me right now.) In the end, they clasped hands and parted on good terms.

We need more education like that; dispel the rumours about AIDS and homosexuality.

But those are just my thoughts this morning…

To end, a quote from a friend of mine and Jim Morrison:

“ ‘Expose yourself to your deepest fear. After that, fear has no power.
The fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes... You are free.’ (Jim Morrison)

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit.
Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it.
That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”

There are many ways to measure success; not the least of which is the way your child describes you when talking to a friend. -- Unknown  ¶ 10/21/2005 06:24:00 AM