Emotions and Friendships that are more To be capable of steady friendship or lasting love, are the two greatest proofs, not only of goodness of heart, but of strength of mind.  ~William Hazlitt (1778-1830) English Essayist

I find it amazing how something can come through via email or general reading that matches exactly what is going on in your head.  So I have decided to share some information.

I have a confession to make: I am not really as collected emotionally as I may seem.  Despite being able to help my friends through any of their problems, I can’t do a damn thing for myself; I have never been able to take my own advice.  I suppose that is normal for a lot of people, but I will never admit the problems that always play squatter in my mind.  

I grew up learning to never show my emotions…nothing good ever came of it.  I was told my opinions never mattered, and seeing people that I had learned to come to accept as my family members were left behind or screwed the others over.  I started building brick walls and closing people off from my own world.  Anything that would come up never was mentioned to anyone else; my preference always being to deal with it in solitude.  Occasionally I would become weakened through stress at work, home or whatever, and the emotions would come flooding over.  Add into that the fact that I have always easily picked up on other people’s emotions and seemed to take them partly into me, we have the perfect recipe for Disaster-Waiting-To-Happen.  

As time passed by and I grew older, I came to realize that I needed to try to break down the walls some and not be so afraid to face my own emotions.  After my last boyfriend and the turmoil that was caused with everything, I took time for myself.  I started a never-ending process of learning about myself, yet again.  I had to face the scars that had covered the sore areas, rip bandages off fresh wounds and re-explore them.  The manic depression that always looms in the dark had to be faced head-on and attempts made to deal with it, instead of pushing it off to the back to ambush me at my most vulnerable moment.

I have been lucky to have a couple people near me to try to assist.  The one that has struck the closest to home with me, though, is a fella that I have known for four years now.  We met online, talked for a long time and then finally decided to meet in person one day.  Time passed and I played my invisibility card, lost from view for awhile.  But I decided to come out from the hobbit’s cave and reveal myself to the world again.  We reconnected again, yet on a slightly different level.  The last couple of years has seen our relationship go through various twists and turns, and each time I have always wondered why he even bothered to put up with me and my weirdness.  Guys that I have dated never could last long near me, not wanting to take the time to try to learn me, my personality quirks, and seemed to vanish in puffs of smoke.  

The time has gone to the point where I have become tired of the magick acts and have wanted the stability of the everyday.  Attempts at normality are almost failures, but I am to a point to where I can accept myself for me, and realized that I can’t do everything alone.  This guy has taught me that as well.  I asked him recently why he sticks around.  The gist of his answer was “Because I care and I do the only thing that I can do--try.”  How many times have I wanted to hear that someone truly did care.  Insecurities of old always threaten to overwhelm because I have not been able to completely dispel them from my world.  I wish I could.  But somehow, I think that is what ties in to make me who I am today.  

I have grown to care for this guy on a level a lot deeper than I would for most people.  There were recent events that really scared me and shook what I had of foundations of life.  I even broke down about him, around him.  I had to call a friend of mine to talk because I just needed to help me sort things out before I tried to have any other discussion.  He was shocked to hear the pain in my voice, to imagine the tears that flooded my eyes.  I can say that I have only done that with one person in my life, and that was six years this past September.  

If you have someone close to you that you care about deeply, on levels that you have never experienced, or haven’t seen the light of day in a long time, don’t be afraid to let that person know.  I have learned our emotions are essential to our make up, the cloth from which we were cut.  To control them completely can’t always be possible, but you can learn the balance-counterbalance system to where they aren’t overwhelming.  I am learning that now.  I love you dearly, mister man, and hope that somewhere you realize how much that means.
  ¶ 11/30/2005 10:48:00 AM