Wanted: Partners in Life
It can be amazing how a little conversation with a friend, watching a show, or listening to a song can bring up thoughts or feelings. You have to stop and wonder, “Why this way? Why this strong?”

The last week or two has had me thinking like this, and, honestly, I find it kinda scary. And I think that it is probably because I am not always honest with myself. Janet Jackson said it eloquently in “YOU”:
“You gotta mean what you say/ You gotta say what you mean/ Tryin’ to please everyone/ Sacrifice your own needs/ Check in the mirror my friend/ No lies will be told then/ Pointin’ the finger again/ You can’t blame nobody but you”
Why her you ask? Not sure. Probably because I have done half of that. I never really have been honest and admitting with my feelings. They always get locked away far from the reaches of the sun. Probably that is why I fear them so much; and why I feel they do me harm.

And this leads me to the love issues. A friend asked me if I had ever been in love. I had dated a lot, but had I actually been IN love with any of them? Honestly, I think that can be answered by yes – twice.

The first was with Darrell, my ex who passed away before his time. I didn’t find out until afterwards that he hadn’t told his parents about me. Not until confrontation. The hardest part was them blaming me for his sickness. I still have a hard time dealing with that, even though it has been a few years; I mean, how to do you deal with someone blaming you for the death of another person? Try explaining to friends why you break down crying in the middle of a movie. Not exactly the easiest thing to do sometimes. Especially when you are one of those people who grew up having to learn not to show emotion – it is considered a sign of weakness in a house full of dominants.

The second has been more recent. It is not as easy to discuss, but I am sure sometime later I will. It is something that is not fully discussed right now as it is considered a sort of inappropriate timing. Do I see anything coming of it? I don’t know, honestly. I can hope, but only time will tell.

I am not sure why I talk the way that I do these days. Lessons learned have taught me that it is not prudent to always rely on others for anything. Which is why I probably have so many damn walls built up. Someone have a wrecker ball handy? The destruction would be fabulous. Okay, I just proved I am definitely gay with that word!

I have only had a few seriously meaningful relationships over the past eight years. Only two of them have actually lasted any meaningful amount of time in the gay world. But I honestly can’t discount any of the little flings either in the last year. It is amazing what you learn about yourself while learning about others.

Men can be assholes, yet we still love them. I really do think that we have our own version of PMS for all the moods that we go through. And anyone who knows me knows that I can definitely be a moody sonofabitch. Pisces are a very emotional bunch, being water signs. But add in a strong empathic nature, it can cause great problems. Take a cross-section of those taking anti-depressants, lithium, or any other mood-altering medication; I would not be surprised if a large selection of them are water signs.

But those who get to know us, who have the emotional understanding and see past all facades we present, they realize us to be caring individuals who are simply trying to find the same in another person. But we don’t want another extremely emotion person. We need that ying for our yang. We need someone with a more solid base to allow us our freedom, yet keep us anchored in the sand; prevent our being swept away with the tide.

I don’t know what others look for in another person when they date, or seek that person to spend a good majority of their life with. But what am I looking for? Mr. Right, of course. Is there a way of getting away from the Mr. Right-Now that seems so predominant? Most definitely. How? I haven’t the foggiest clue.

All I know is that I look for certain attributes within someone. Caringness; some loyalty; honesty is a plus; and a strong sense of determination. A willingness to just try to understand me and give me the space I need and desire. But at the same time, be there when I reach my most vulnerable moments. But that probably sounds like everyone’s dream. It more than likely is; I would not be surprised. But the only thing I can truly ask for? A person to be himself. I am not so concerned with a person’s looks. I try to look deeper than that. This is fact not common in the gay lifestyle. We are the vainest people out there, perhaps even surpassing women. (listens for startled gasps)

Where do I go from here? I don’t know, honestly. Exploration of the great unknown lies ahead of me and I go as prepared as I will ever be. Just one question...

Anyone want to explore with me?

“Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.”

“Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend – or a meaningful day.”  ¶ 1/12/2006 04:58:00 AM