At least today is a bit easier. I didn’t have to dress up for work…dress down day for three bucks and having to walk around with a sticker on you saying ‘The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society Team in Training’. I also have a little baby blue ribbon pinned to my shorts because today is Fight For Life. Printed out my letters, visited the blood bank and got turned away, but did manage to leave my letter to be sent in to the feds about changing their policies with accepting blood from men who have had sex with other men. Can’t really say gay men since there are a lot of bisexual men and others who express some curiosity.
The other thing that has had me smiling is the fact that my friend got me P!nk’s newest CD last night while at Target. Now I get to listen to ‘Stupid Girls’ and ‘U+Ur Hand’ whenever I want. Plus, it is the dual disc, so I have DVD on the other side with the video and some other special clips! I so want to see her in concert the next time she tours through the US. Or maybe I should travel over to Europe and catch it there. Her European tour is coming out on DVD sometime soon…yet another thing to add to my collection!
I am not fully sure why things have hit me now in regards to how I feel with work and everything else. I mean, I know that I have felt this way with the job now for almost three years, but I made it work to the best of my ability…faking my way through everything with the skill of a woman having an orgasm. *Nasty thought* I have never really talked about it with anyone before, which is probably why my closest friends were seriously shocked when they had finally heard about it. I even got a little chewed out over it from a friend, and my solitude on things. Can’t help it. One of my coworkers plugged my birth date, time and location into some database to see what exactly was said about Pisces. Here is what she pulled back:
Sun in Pisces, Moon in Libra
This astrological combination indicates heightened inspirational and spiritual tendencies. Your mind and feelings are refined, and you seem to be a mild, benevolent individual. Because of your acute perceptions and reliable judgment, you have a capacity for assessing situations in their true light. Among friends and associates you are able to make your sensitive, intangible traits more substantial. Your fluidity of character takes on definite form in society, and perhaps for this reason you shun solitude. You will, therefore, seek marriage, partnerships, and associations. Your most conscious aim throughout life is always to find and express sympathy and human understanding. You dream of universal communion inspired by a poetical nature. The artistic sensibility - a receptivity to all things in the cosmos - is deep within your nature. The key to a more harmonious existence lies in becoming more determined and concentrating your efforts more closely.
I am sure that I would be that way normally, but my life experiences since I was a kid have molded me into some different. I don’t shun solitude, but I don’t seek it out either. The best way I put it to my friend was this:
‘I just feel broken down right now. Not really sure where to go or what to do anymore. You could have come by last night...maybe I would have slept some. It is okay. Join the club, though...no one seems to know how to respond to me since I am such a caring person but so aloof at the same time.’
His response:
‘You're right. :-p . . . You don't want to be coddled . . . but you want to be cuddled . . . You don't want to be needy . . . but you don't want to be alone. Damn, you . . . don't you realize that I'm not going judge you by your moments of vulnerability. I look at the entire you . . . warts and all . . . and it's a great package. There's no way to have only the good. So, you just accept the less positive things as a by-product of all of the really good things that you have going for you.
‘If you just want someone around to break the monotony, let me know. If you want someone to hold you, just say so. The fact that I may not be there every moment doesn't mean that I don't care or won't be there when I can.’
It is just remembering that fact that is the hard part. He did his best last night, though, to make sure I was going to be okay and keep me cheered up part of the time.
Another friend, one of the guys that I have been talking to, has also helped me feel a little bit better. He has kinda gotten to know me, but still hasn’t learned a lot of what I am about. That part is always hard for me to let go to others. But he has given me the impression that he understands some of what I am going through and is allowing my time to get things into order. He now sees why I am not rushing into things with anyone…and neither is he. Some of my other friends don’t always seem to understand that part very well. They are used to me being a part of someone else…the ‘Ian/Aiden and whomever’ party. Seeing me on my own is still a shock, especially since it has been for nearly two years now. Funny how the time of my longest relationships is the same amount of time of my being single now. Wonder if there is anything to that.
Once I get done with a few things on Friday, I am going to try to make a stop by the college here in town (if I have enough time) and talk to an admissions officer about courses. Since UNCW doesn’t have a graphic design program, I have decided that I am going to go for a BA in Studio Art and then end up elsewhere to major in the graphic design. Hopefully that will get me to where I would like to go. Hopefully. I know that my mom will be happy with that one. Follow in her footsteps so to speak. Plus, it is a state school and she will be able to afford it better. Yes, I am actually going to let my parents help with this one. Go figure. Guess it is time to let them into the life a little more again.
So, enough of my little rambling today. Just going to include a few more quotes that I have liked and wrap it up for the day I think.
Oh…if you are really interested in knowing this: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN released on DVD yesterday (April 4th). Target has an exclusive deal right now where you can buy the DVD and receive inside a CD recording of the original short story. And for only seventeen bucks. Not a bad deal, if I might say so myself. I figure I will buy copy this weekend or borrow it from a friend of mine.
Anyway…have a good day!
Words of Wisdom from the Dalai Lama
There are three types of joyous effort:
1) armorlike joyous effort;
2) joyous effort in gathering virtues; and
3) joyous effort in working for others.
The main obstacles to the development of these efforts are the different levels of laziness – primarily the laziness of procrastination, and the laziness stemming from indolence and from a sense of inferiority.
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.
When people get angry they lose all sense of happiness. Even if they are good-looking and normally peaceful, their faces turn livid and ugly. Anger upsets their physical well-being and disturbs their rest; it destroys their appetites and makes them age prematurely. Happiness, peace, and sleep evade them, and they no longer appreciate people who have helped them and deserve their trust and gratitude.
If the mind is dominated by hatred, the best part of the brain, which is used to judge right and wrong, does not function properly.
It is not enough to be compassionate. You must act. There are two aspects to action. One is to overcome the distortions and afflictions of your own mind, that is, in terms of calming and eventually dispelling anger. This is action out of compassion. The other is more social, more public. When something needs to be done in the world to rectify the wrongs, if one is really concerned with benefiting others, one needs to be engaged, involved.
Be kind whenever possible…It is always possible.
There are two types of competitive behavior. One is a sense of competition because you want to be at the top. You create obstacles and harm someone. That competition is negative. But there is a positive kind of competition which benefits the individual, the competitors, and the economy. Let your competitors also grow, without any sense of harming them.
To remain discouraged is not the way of a human being, we are not birds and animals, so it is not enough for us to simply lament and complain but we should use our intelligence and work hard.
Other Words of Wisdom
Unswerving loyalty to duty, constant devotion to truth, and a clear conscience will overcome every discouragement and surely lead the way to usefulness and high achievement.
Grover Cleveland
Those who turn good (organizations) into great (organizations) are motivated by a deep creative urge and an inner compulsion for sheer unadulterated excellence for its own sake.
Jim Collins, author
Newest songs
Off P!nk’s newest album, I’m Not Dead:
“Long Way to Happy”
“I’m not Dead”
“Cuz I Can
“Leave Me Alone (I’m Lonely)”
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