Humpee in search of Humper Yet another hump day and I need to get humped. And more than just a dry hump or a dog deciding he wants to use my leg. I mean a real hard and heavy, ball-busting in your face kind of hump.

Anyway.

So I have gotten back into the dating scene a little bit. Not much, though. But I don’t know what is out there these days…or where I find some of the people I have gone with. There are a few good guys, but I am having a hard time finding someone who can take me as I am right now, and allow me to grow in my own time and manner. I am not looking to fill a mold that someone else is wanting for their partner. Hell, I haven’t even fit the mold my parents wanted for me! But some could attribute that to more of a child rebelling against the parents thing. I don’t know.

I pick with my friends about the dating thing, one of them especially. He and I have known each other for almost five years now. It is a little scary when I think back on things as far as how long I have known someone. All the ups and downs, fights and everything else that life has tossed my way. And to have people sit through most of it with me! I feel sorry for them.

But my friend knows that I am going on three years now of being single and I am ready for it to end. I have had my flings here and there…those little few week to one month things that you know won’t go anywhere or amount to much. But as far as that meaningful existence, or the steps to it, goes…not there. I get in my moods of where I don’t care, and I tell him that. But he disagrees. He loves to tell me “You care…perhaps more than you want to care. And it matters…much more than you want to admit. I just see so much going for you that it’s hard to see you longing so hard for that which you do not have.”

I nod and say thank you. I know that I have pulled myself through a lot, and created a lot of opportunities for me in the last few years. But it still sucks sometimes that the things I really want are hovering there….in sight but out of reach. The tantalizing carrot to the tortoise in the race…or the banana bites to the monkey in the science lab. Life feels like a big old maze or test; find the way to finish in the shortest time, or choose the correct answer to get a banana bite. Come play with my monkey…he is lonely.

And the funny part is that I have some jealousy of others who came into my life and passed through…and still find the thing we all search for. I have communicae with my ex-husband once in awhile. He was telling me about this new boy he has been dating for the last month and how he hopes that he will be ready to settle down and start a family of his own. I told him that I hope he gets all that he asks for. I guess I didn’t seem as excited as him, or as happy either. I don’t know. It is always hard to be able to tell a tone when you are typing. But, maybe it is the people who know me that know that I can be sarcastic, blah, or mean in a few words. I don’t mean to be…I just write/speak what comes to mind. Anything else is on the subconscious level.

I know that things should not be rushed. I know to leave my options open. I know to just be me. But sometimes I wonder if I should put the façade out for a bit…not let the other person know who I am or what I am like. I entertain the idea for a bit, and then toss it to the wayside. I spent so long being something/someone that I am not. I can’t live those lies anymore.

So, take me or leave me. See me in all my moods, in the ups and downs, the stress and release, the clean and covered modes. Know that I will keep the guards up a bit, but they will come back down as I get to know you. I will tell you my secrets as I feel more comfortable. Don’t try to trap me and I will feel safe. Don’t try to control or I will run away. Don’t try to command (unless it is in bed) and I won’t give hell back.

That is all I ask. Is that too much?  ¶ 7/12/2006 10:53:00 AM