Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Dear Alcohol
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that Im a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and youre even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when were stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately Ive been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? Im an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless youre subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Its completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
5. The hook-up. Need I say more?
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. Youve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just dont know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I dont want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but youre not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isnt it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldnt. No one wants to hear me sing! ¶ 8/08/2006 09:32:00 AM
First & foremost, let me tell you that Im a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and youre even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when were stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately Ive been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? Im an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless youre subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Its completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
5. The hook-up. Need I say more?
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. Youve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just dont know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I dont want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but youre not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isnt it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldnt. No one wants to hear me sing! ¶ 8/08/2006 09:32:00 AM
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