Sunday, April 29, 2007
Introspective, Part 1
I recently was asked by a dear friend of mine about what I wanted for my future…what I wanted in different aspects of my life from the job to my relationships to my lifestyle. I know that I have been asked that so many times to find out what circulates through my head, but no one ever actually asked me to ply deeper into my psyche and actually give a real answer. And I wonder how many people could actually think and answer more than just the typical “I want a relationship with someone I love, a good job with lots of money.” Can you give detail on what you want to do and why? Not always an easy task.
Job: I am content with what I do right now, but can't say that I am truly happy. I have a challenge here, which is something that I wanted. But, things do move slow and it takes awhile to get things going. Ultimately, I want to be back in school. I want to finish my degrees, although having to start all over from scratch is daunting to me sometimes. I had to back out so early in life just so that I could survive. I was probably lucky to have graduated high school early, but I don't know if that really was a plus in my life. Well, outside of the fact that it saw me out of the house early and shortly after I got home from Duke Inpatient on the court orders. I have done some home courses for CNA and could go get my certification with the state if I really wanted to, but I never really felt motivated for it. It was just more of something to assist with my job understandings...and to make me look good. LOL I enjoyed doing the landscaping when I was younger, and my mom always tried to encourage me on the artwork, although we would always argue over subject matter. She hated that my imagination went to the side of the dragons and fairies and such...I don't think she ever looked at my stuff that I would draw during class in school instead of doing my classwork. Ultimately, I am going to go back and finish what I accomplished. That will also give me the chance to say to mom 'you thought I wasn't strong enough to do it, but I did.' Yeah, I know...kinda childish, but I am tired of things with her. She kept promising me to help with the school...the only thing I ever would have asked for help with it...but acted like no such thing was said when it came up in serious conversations started by me.
Relationship: I would like to regain what I had before with Darrell, and what I felt recently with someone else. But it is hard finding those people that can actually look at someone and say, 'he is a great person, and not just for the sex.' So many in our world seem to be focused on the next lay, and I am past that. Yeah, I enjoy it, don't get me wrong, but I would like to be able to enjoy it with someone close to me, and who can also feel comfortable enough to get on the darker side as well. That is ALWAYS a plus. LOL But, I want someone with a good heart, a great personality, someone who is willing try to understand me and be patient...who can realize that things don't happen in an instant...that I do have walls that have been crumbling, but need that extra push. Someone who can make me feel more secure that myself alone. I would like to be able to have a kid one day (not sure on the multiple kids yet) and give back the chance that was given to me. I want to be able to come home and act like Ricky once in awhile...'Lucy, I'm home!' Someone who can cook and is willing to step outside that comfort zone once in awhile to try something new. My diet can be extremely varied because of the foods that I can't eat...it requires some creativity to take the old and make it new. I need someone who is willing to stand up to me because I know that I can be overpowering at times, and is willing to put me in my place...but also able to take it themselves. I am not as concerned with looks, although gentle on the eyes is always nice...and if they can dominate me when I like it, that is even better. LOL
Lifestyle: Oh lord. This is one that is always changing, I think. Ultimately, I want to be someplace that makes me happy. I would like to travel some, own a piece of property in my name. I don't go out very often because I am not always good on crowds (that is slowly being worked on again for control methods), but enjoy being with my friends as they are normally my family. Hit more shows, movies, go out to play pool or bowling once in awhile. Catch a game here and there (not the biggest sports fan, but I can definitely understand it nine times outta ten). Find something exciting and say screw life. Kayak, camp (allergy meds please), hiking (pain meds, too)...create my fish pond and relaxing retreat in the backyard. My personal beliefs are more spiritual than religious, so I am a hodge-podge of Jewish, Catholic, Buddhist and Wiccan. I want to travel to Asia and see Tibet and Thailand; visit a rain forest and go back to the desert. Travel to Europe and maybe find out if I have relatives there. I would like to go to Scotland so I can honour my grandmother who came from there. She might not have been related to me, but she was the only one in the family that made me feel welcome. February is always an odd month for me...she died on the 12 and my birthday is the 22nd. August and September are hard because of Will and Darrell. I want to be over that, to not feel so much pain. I know that in time I will...but I don't want to have the ache in my heart. The wristband is partly because of them. Eventually, I hope to know where it is that I come from, and what my background is.
I know that I have come a long way from where I had been back when I was 17. I became the rock for many and always wondered who would be mine. I gave of myself to my friends, and to the strangers that would pay for it. I proved that I could live life without depending on others...but then found it hard to be willing to lean them when it was offered. My 'brother' down in Wilmington had lost track of me for six years and was impressed of how far I had come when he found me before I moved. I had no car, a crappy job, was stuck out in the middle of nowhere and was raising three kids for my roommate. Now, I have my own vehicle, a good job, am able to live on my own if I need to; I dealt with many ghosts of the past and stopped blaming my birthmom for abandoning me (despite that still being a fear). I learned to deal with the ups and downs of my mood swings, and get them minimized without the aid of medications. I still get hurt by certain things, but I don't let my reactions get as bad as they used to. I am sure that others that have known me can give other examples of how much more I have grown and matured over the years, and probably even more so after my marriage.
More to come later....................... ¶ 4/29/2007 06:42:00 AM
Job: I am content with what I do right now, but can't say that I am truly happy. I have a challenge here, which is something that I wanted. But, things do move slow and it takes awhile to get things going. Ultimately, I want to be back in school. I want to finish my degrees, although having to start all over from scratch is daunting to me sometimes. I had to back out so early in life just so that I could survive. I was probably lucky to have graduated high school early, but I don't know if that really was a plus in my life. Well, outside of the fact that it saw me out of the house early and shortly after I got home from Duke Inpatient on the court orders. I have done some home courses for CNA and could go get my certification with the state if I really wanted to, but I never really felt motivated for it. It was just more of something to assist with my job understandings...and to make me look good. LOL I enjoyed doing the landscaping when I was younger, and my mom always tried to encourage me on the artwork, although we would always argue over subject matter. She hated that my imagination went to the side of the dragons and fairies and such...I don't think she ever looked at my stuff that I would draw during class in school instead of doing my classwork. Ultimately, I am going to go back and finish what I accomplished. That will also give me the chance to say to mom 'you thought I wasn't strong enough to do it, but I did.' Yeah, I know...kinda childish, but I am tired of things with her. She kept promising me to help with the school...the only thing I ever would have asked for help with it...but acted like no such thing was said when it came up in serious conversations started by me.
Relationship: I would like to regain what I had before with Darrell, and what I felt recently with someone else. But it is hard finding those people that can actually look at someone and say, 'he is a great person, and not just for the sex.' So many in our world seem to be focused on the next lay, and I am past that. Yeah, I enjoy it, don't get me wrong, but I would like to be able to enjoy it with someone close to me, and who can also feel comfortable enough to get on the darker side as well. That is ALWAYS a plus. LOL But, I want someone with a good heart, a great personality, someone who is willing try to understand me and be patient...who can realize that things don't happen in an instant...that I do have walls that have been crumbling, but need that extra push. Someone who can make me feel more secure that myself alone. I would like to be able to have a kid one day (not sure on the multiple kids yet) and give back the chance that was given to me. I want to be able to come home and act like Ricky once in awhile...'Lucy, I'm home!' Someone who can cook and is willing to step outside that comfort zone once in awhile to try something new. My diet can be extremely varied because of the foods that I can't eat...it requires some creativity to take the old and make it new. I need someone who is willing to stand up to me because I know that I can be overpowering at times, and is willing to put me in my place...but also able to take it themselves. I am not as concerned with looks, although gentle on the eyes is always nice...and if they can dominate me when I like it, that is even better. LOL
Lifestyle: Oh lord. This is one that is always changing, I think. Ultimately, I want to be someplace that makes me happy. I would like to travel some, own a piece of property in my name. I don't go out very often because I am not always good on crowds (that is slowly being worked on again for control methods), but enjoy being with my friends as they are normally my family. Hit more shows, movies, go out to play pool or bowling once in awhile. Catch a game here and there (not the biggest sports fan, but I can definitely understand it nine times outta ten). Find something exciting and say screw life. Kayak, camp (allergy meds please), hiking (pain meds, too)...create my fish pond and relaxing retreat in the backyard. My personal beliefs are more spiritual than religious, so I am a hodge-podge of Jewish, Catholic, Buddhist and Wiccan. I want to travel to Asia and see Tibet and Thailand; visit a rain forest and go back to the desert. Travel to Europe and maybe find out if I have relatives there. I would like to go to Scotland so I can honour my grandmother who came from there. She might not have been related to me, but she was the only one in the family that made me feel welcome. February is always an odd month for me...she died on the 12 and my birthday is the 22nd. August and September are hard because of Will and Darrell. I want to be over that, to not feel so much pain. I know that in time I will...but I don't want to have the ache in my heart. The wristband is partly because of them. Eventually, I hope to know where it is that I come from, and what my background is.
I know that I have come a long way from where I had been back when I was 17. I became the rock for many and always wondered who would be mine. I gave of myself to my friends, and to the strangers that would pay for it. I proved that I could live life without depending on others...but then found it hard to be willing to lean them when it was offered. My 'brother' down in Wilmington had lost track of me for six years and was impressed of how far I had come when he found me before I moved. I had no car, a crappy job, was stuck out in the middle of nowhere and was raising three kids for my roommate. Now, I have my own vehicle, a good job, am able to live on my own if I need to; I dealt with many ghosts of the past and stopped blaming my birthmom for abandoning me (despite that still being a fear). I learned to deal with the ups and downs of my mood swings, and get them minimized without the aid of medications. I still get hurt by certain things, but I don't let my reactions get as bad as they used to. I am sure that others that have known me can give other examples of how much more I have grown and matured over the years, and probably even more so after my marriage.
More to come later....................... ¶ 4/29/2007 06:42:00 AM
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