Promises, promises Okay, so I promised to write more and fill in details about recent events.

So I have been going through a lot with issues at work in the personal life. I have been moving almost non-stop for the last year, trying to just ignore everything and go into an almost isolationist state. Bad, yes I do know that. But I had learned from so many bad experiences growing up that I couldn't lean on other people very well. All the fights with my parents (mom) pretty much killed what trust I could have in someone. And negative experiences after that with several boyfriends pretty much set the concrete around the re-bar. (construction metaphors) So, as a part of it all, I end up going on a mental breakdown and just tend to feel pretty overwhelmed and exhausted.

A lot had happened last summer that I didn't care to deal with. So the end result was that it just got pushed aside and I kept moving through, locking away most of my emotions. It played a little havoc with things, but I seemed to do okay. But things have gotten pretty stressful as of late, and it ended up being the last straw with it all. Monday I really started on the breakdown and having hard times with things.

One of the things that really got to me though was some stuff that had been going on with a friend of mine that I had an interest in...and he had stated he had an interest with me too. Some statements had been made that he wanted to take things slow, and that there were reasons behind it that I would be informed of later. Later came and went, and I still was in the dark. When I care for someone, friend or more, my emotions tend to get pretty wrapped up in it all. Well, we went from talking almost every day to maybe once a week. I didn't know what was going on. I had finally had enough and sent him an IM...he got up with me a day later and we decided to talk. I finally got told that he had been trying to get things worked out with a fella back in his old town and he wasn't going to do anything with anyone until he knew what exactly was gonna happen. He was thoroughly smitten with this kid and if he ever got a phone call saying that the kid was completely ready and able to date, then he would drop everything for him. I was told that he didn't want to lead anyone on, but somehow I couldn't help feeling that I had been lead on a bit. And of course, I had jumped the gun a tad and allowed my emotions to start running around. For being an empath, I sure as hell can't control my own emotions. It always sucks...especially since I keep saying that I am just going to be cold and heartless and not let the emotions out again. Yeah, right. Like that is gonna happen. I can't help getting some emotional attachment and feel it destroy me. C'est la vie.

I ended up listening to X-tina (The Voice Within and Keep On Singing My Song) on repeat most of this week, after the normal few days of Linkin Park and Garbage. It kinda helped since there are a few of her songs, and a couple from Anastacia, that I can relate to and brighten my day. I have been pulling up from the depths like I always do...and allowing myself to be tossed back into the dating pool to be caught at a future date.

So let me raise my glass up high and say "Here is to life and men who suck; to the best friends who always pull my ass outta shit; and to a hopefully never-ending supply of wine and beer to keep all problems out in space." If they ever take that away from me, I am so fucking screwed.

(OH...and I am sending more congrats to my friend Jimmy who is running for Alderman up in Chicago!!)  ¶ 8/25/2005 04:33:00 AM