Pain and Purpose Pain is temporary, pride is forever.
~Anonymous

Funny how this would come in my mail today.  I have been up since about 5:30 after having a hell of time trying to sleep last night.  Didn’t pass out until late last night, yet again, and I think I am finally starting to get sick.  Been around a bunch of people who had some sort of virus, and then the roommate has been sick since last week, so I am not feeling the greatest at the moment.  Since they are not offering overtime this weekend, I might actually try to get some rest.  Which I can’t really afford to get since I need to really practice and train for the walk in a couple of weeks.  Is the twenty-second really that close now?!  And I really want to get back into the swimming again full-hearted while I have a membership at the local gym.  

But it is not just a physical pain that I feel right now…it is pure mental exhaustion as well.  I have always dealt with people relatively well, I think; or, at least, no one has told me otherwise.  This morning has been absolute insane, though, so I think the last bits of my patience has been worn absolutely thin.  But I hate talking bad about folks, so I will not go into further detail.

That brings me to something else…purpose.  I have received questions from several people as to the purpose of my blog, my life and my goals.  None of them have a true full answer.  So I shall answer to the best of my current abilities…next week could have completely new answers.

1. This blog is a work in progress.  I write an expression of my own feelings and observations in hopes that it may help someone else through their own issues, however similar they may or may not be to my own.  Often times, an outside viewpoint can shine new light on a situation.


2. The purpose of life is to exist.  Actually, I don’t know the purpose of life.  That subject is one that will be debated throughout the end of time.  My life, though, has some meaning.  At least to me.  Is that not the most important part?  Others will try to manipulate you into their own mold, push you to pathways that best serve them and not yourself.  I have always tried to keep my own personal identity.  After moving out, I learned to blend into different circles and observe.  But once you get deeply involved with the other lifestyles that are not your own, you can lose your defining features.  


3. And that brings me to my goals.  Right now, I am working hard to get the opportunities restarted for heading back to school, to expand my current horizons and search for new experiences.  Each day will bring new challenges and hopefully I will be able to stand up to them and win.    “I teach one thing and one only: that is suffering and the end of                               suffering.”  ~Buddha

So, perhaps this will allow a better view of me.  Or maybe it will just keep an interest in seeing what newest subject I expound.  Like I said, this is part of a growing experience for me; one that I enjoy every day.  

I do have one other note, though…one that has been bugging me since last week.  First, a little history.  When I was younger, I was given a court-order to have a mental evaluation.  Declared bi-polar and manic depressive, I was placed on medications, that semi-helped.  I got into a lot of trouble as a kid, so of course I didn’t follow doctor’s orders.  There was a lot of mental/emotional baggage, though, from the knowledge of my adoption and other circumstances during my childhood.  After I left home, I still dealt with those issues, but this time without the extra baggage of drugs and side effects.  Overall, I managed pretty well; still feeling the shifts of moods, but making through with very little damage along the way.  Last summer saw a shift, however.  My insomnia got worse and the doctor wanted me to see a psychiatrist again before she would proscribe me any sleep meds.  I mentioned it in passing to my mother at the time and she thought it would be a good idea.  Never made it to the doctor, though.  I was so used to the insomnia that I ended up not even paying much attention.  My allergy meds helped out as well, offering several extra hours of sleep.  There has been a lot of stress in my life lately, so sometimes the mood swings come back with some pronouncement.  I never thought much about it; I tend to keep pretty busy with two jobs and reading.  Well, my mother decided to call me out of the blue last week and put a little burr under the seat.  She is now encouraging me to go and get re-evaluated.  She thinks that the lithium and who knows whatever other drugs I could be prescribed will assist the moods.  I am not so sure.  I know why I have problems now because of the added stress.  Taking the meds has a greater chance of zombie-fying me, something that I really do not enjoy.  If you cannot experience life and all opportunities it offers, then why were you sticking around?  Just my opinion.  But does anyone have any opinions on that one?  Would love to hear pros and cons for this one.

Okay…I guess it is back to work.  Only a few more hours here, then off to work with Wes and I can finally shower and lay down.  Sweet Chariot, coming to carry me home….

  ¶ 10/12/2005 10:53:00 AM