Tuesday, April 11, 2006
One day fades into the next...
Well, it is Tuesday. Already. Why does it feel like the weeks and the months don’t ever want to stick around anymore? This weekend will make it the middle of the month!!
When things happen in a person’s life, they tend to happen either pretty fast or all at one time. And I don’t like that in the least bit. I tend to muddle my way through life enough; I prefer not to have other shit going on at one time.
Had a discussion with a friend of mine last night regarding the past few weekends out at the club and my resultant condition afterwards. It had been a VERY long time since I had actually gone out on any regular basis, and, as a result, I don’t recover in the normal three hour time period. I say three hours because that is my typical sleeping habit. LOL Of course, if you sleep that much every night, week after week, month after month, year after year, your body pretty much wants to go on a major shutdown anyway. I have experienced that several times around…usually at least once a year or so. But, I keep on pushing and prodding my body to go to its extremes because I don’t allow myself anything less.
Now, that is probably not the greatest thing for me. Last time my body decided it wanted to shut down, I was throwing up in someone else’s bathroom and passed out on his couch for several hours before heading home. And I was right back at work the next day, pushing my body to keep on moving. It is nice to sit on your ass at work all the time, but there are times when you would rather be doing something else. Ya know?
So, this past weekend is the first weekend that I was seen out at the club two nights in a row. But, I figured after the bullshit that started going on in the last two weeks, I was very deservant of a good time. Friday night saw me get really rough. I don’t remember making it from the porcelain god to the soft lover. But, I had a good time for most of it and got to flirt with several people. Closed the club down on Saturday night and was still wide awake until about six in the morning. I was actually kicking people OUT of my place. No real after-party…just a chill out and have a few more drinks type of thing. Of course, I was really mellow on Sunday. But, isn’t that was Sundays are for? To just be mellow and relax and recover from whatever it was you did over the past few nights? I was told that I was no fun and a certain person was going to avoid being around me if I was like that all the time.
As time goes on, that part might change. I just don’t feel like I need to be upbeat all the time…I can just chill and let my hair down. I got a little yelled at as well because I was fully civil to someone on the phone, but not as sweet to someone else. Well, the someone else has been a close friend of mine forever (or at least it feels that way) and our relationship is supposed to be where I don’t have to keep up the aires around him all the time. The façade should be allowed to come down sometimes. And, yes, I will admit this. I do keep a façade up around some people. I act myself about 99% of the time – the kind, caring, nurturing person – but there are a few times when I have to place up something that is a bit more than the usual. The times that I really don’t feel like talking to people; the times when things are bugging me to no end; those are the times that I really need to put a façade in place and act like there is nothing wrong. And I have done that through all of my life. It becomes a second nature to not allow people to know that things are wrong. Lately, there have been some cracks in the foundations and the outer limits of the shell have crumbled. But, I crawled back in deeper over the weekend and started pushing people away. Concerns were expressed to me by a friend about the recent activities over the last few weeks; concerns that I only allow from either a parent or the person that I am calling my partner/lover. It is not that I don’t appreciate them…but, as a friend, you have limits on how far you can express it. And once you state that you don’t want to go on a certain route, you lose some privilege there.
Is that the best way to live my life? Probably not. But, I am of the opinion that there are levels of concerns that are appropriate for different levels in life. I need to place boundaries on things because I tend to grow really close to all of my friends, having done things for them that I probably would not do otherwise. And, yes, that has included sex. I like to be there for my friends. The last couple of years has been solid proof of that. But, if I don’t draw the boundaries, how are they supposed to be erected when I start becoming fully committed to someone again? How can I tell someone who has been in to the inner depths of my hell that they must be shown the way back to the outer rings of Hades because someone else has the privilege of now resting by my side? It doesn’t happen very easily. And it is funny because I see this with two friends of mine…one expresses that he doesn’t love the other guy (at least not in that sense), but he gets jealous on a lot of counts when it comes to other people in someone else’s life.
So, I keep on working, looking for the respect to give to someone while getting it myself. The journeys along this rocky road we call life are what will make us stronger and build us into the people we are today. That is all that I can start asking these days.
Songs
Mary J. Blige – “Good Woman Down” and “MJB da MVP”
P!nk – “Nobody Knows”
Words of Wisdom
Be soft in your practice. Think of the method as a fine silvery stream, not a raging waterfall. Follow the stream, have faith in its course. It will go its own way, meandering here, trickling there. It will find the grooves, the cracks, the crevices. Just follow it. Never let it out of your sight. It will take you....
Virtue means doing the right thing, in relation to the right person, at the right time, to the right extent, in the right manner, and for the right purpose. Thus, to give money away is quite a simple task, but for the act to be virtuous, the donor must give to the right person, for the right purpose, in the right amount, in the right manner, and at the right time.
Aristotle
Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.
Epictetus (55-135 AD) Greek Philosopher
There is a sense of exhilaration that comes from facing head-on the hard truths and saying, "We will never give up. We will never capitulate. It might take a long time, but we will find a way to prevail."
Jim Collins, from his book, Good to Great
From the Dalai Lama:
Anger is like the ultimate troublemaker. I feel you can express a stong disapproval or dislike of an object without losing your temper.
If people everywhere are not allowed to strive for the happiness they instinctively want, then they will be dissatisfied and will make problems for everyone. Unless we can create an atmosphere of genuine cooperation – cooperation not gained by threat or force but by heartfelt understanding – life will become ever more difficult. If we can satisfy people at a heart level, peace will ensue. Without the basis of coexistence, if undesirable social, political, and cultural forms continue to be imposed upon people, peace becomes difficult.
What you think upon grows… ¶ 4/11/2006 04:09:00 AM
When things happen in a person’s life, they tend to happen either pretty fast or all at one time. And I don’t like that in the least bit. I tend to muddle my way through life enough; I prefer not to have other shit going on at one time.
Had a discussion with a friend of mine last night regarding the past few weekends out at the club and my resultant condition afterwards. It had been a VERY long time since I had actually gone out on any regular basis, and, as a result, I don’t recover in the normal three hour time period. I say three hours because that is my typical sleeping habit. LOL Of course, if you sleep that much every night, week after week, month after month, year after year, your body pretty much wants to go on a major shutdown anyway. I have experienced that several times around…usually at least once a year or so. But, I keep on pushing and prodding my body to go to its extremes because I don’t allow myself anything less.
Now, that is probably not the greatest thing for me. Last time my body decided it wanted to shut down, I was throwing up in someone else’s bathroom and passed out on his couch for several hours before heading home. And I was right back at work the next day, pushing my body to keep on moving. It is nice to sit on your ass at work all the time, but there are times when you would rather be doing something else. Ya know?
So, this past weekend is the first weekend that I was seen out at the club two nights in a row. But, I figured after the bullshit that started going on in the last two weeks, I was very deservant of a good time. Friday night saw me get really rough. I don’t remember making it from the porcelain god to the soft lover. But, I had a good time for most of it and got to flirt with several people. Closed the club down on Saturday night and was still wide awake until about six in the morning. I was actually kicking people OUT of my place. No real after-party…just a chill out and have a few more drinks type of thing. Of course, I was really mellow on Sunday. But, isn’t that was Sundays are for? To just be mellow and relax and recover from whatever it was you did over the past few nights? I was told that I was no fun and a certain person was going to avoid being around me if I was like that all the time.
As time goes on, that part might change. I just don’t feel like I need to be upbeat all the time…I can just chill and let my hair down. I got a little yelled at as well because I was fully civil to someone on the phone, but not as sweet to someone else. Well, the someone else has been a close friend of mine forever (or at least it feels that way) and our relationship is supposed to be where I don’t have to keep up the aires around him all the time. The façade should be allowed to come down sometimes. And, yes, I will admit this. I do keep a façade up around some people. I act myself about 99% of the time – the kind, caring, nurturing person – but there are a few times when I have to place up something that is a bit more than the usual. The times that I really don’t feel like talking to people; the times when things are bugging me to no end; those are the times that I really need to put a façade in place and act like there is nothing wrong. And I have done that through all of my life. It becomes a second nature to not allow people to know that things are wrong. Lately, there have been some cracks in the foundations and the outer limits of the shell have crumbled. But, I crawled back in deeper over the weekend and started pushing people away. Concerns were expressed to me by a friend about the recent activities over the last few weeks; concerns that I only allow from either a parent or the person that I am calling my partner/lover. It is not that I don’t appreciate them…but, as a friend, you have limits on how far you can express it. And once you state that you don’t want to go on a certain route, you lose some privilege there.
Is that the best way to live my life? Probably not. But, I am of the opinion that there are levels of concerns that are appropriate for different levels in life. I need to place boundaries on things because I tend to grow really close to all of my friends, having done things for them that I probably would not do otherwise. And, yes, that has included sex. I like to be there for my friends. The last couple of years has been solid proof of that. But, if I don’t draw the boundaries, how are they supposed to be erected when I start becoming fully committed to someone again? How can I tell someone who has been in to the inner depths of my hell that they must be shown the way back to the outer rings of Hades because someone else has the privilege of now resting by my side? It doesn’t happen very easily. And it is funny because I see this with two friends of mine…one expresses that he doesn’t love the other guy (at least not in that sense), but he gets jealous on a lot of counts when it comes to other people in someone else’s life.So, I keep on working, looking for the respect to give to someone while getting it myself. The journeys along this rocky road we call life are what will make us stronger and build us into the people we are today. That is all that I can start asking these days.
Songs
Mary J. Blige – “Good Woman Down” and “MJB da MVP”
P!nk – “Nobody Knows”
Words of Wisdom
Be soft in your practice. Think of the method as a fine silvery stream, not a raging waterfall. Follow the stream, have faith in its course. It will go its own way, meandering here, trickling there. It will find the grooves, the cracks, the crevices. Just follow it. Never let it out of your sight. It will take you....
Virtue means doing the right thing, in relation to the right person, at the right time, to the right extent, in the right manner, and for the right purpose. Thus, to give money away is quite a simple task, but for the act to be virtuous, the donor must give to the right person, for the right purpose, in the right amount, in the right manner, and at the right time.
Aristotle
Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.
Epictetus (55-135 AD) Greek Philosopher
There is a sense of exhilaration that comes from facing head-on the hard truths and saying, "We will never give up. We will never capitulate. It might take a long time, but we will find a way to prevail."
Jim Collins, from his book, Good to Great
From the Dalai Lama:
Anger is like the ultimate troublemaker. I feel you can express a stong disapproval or dislike of an object without losing your temper.
If people everywhere are not allowed to strive for the happiness they instinctively want, then they will be dissatisfied and will make problems for everyone. Unless we can create an atmosphere of genuine cooperation – cooperation not gained by threat or force but by heartfelt understanding – life will become ever more difficult. If we can satisfy people at a heart level, peace will ensue. Without the basis of coexistence, if undesirable social, political, and cultural forms continue to be imposed upon people, peace becomes difficult.
What you think upon grows… ¶ 4/11/2006 04:09:00 AM
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