Wednesday, August 09, 2006
various...
A WEST TEXAS COWBOY WALKED INTO A DRUG STORE AND ASKED TO TALK TO A MALE PHARMACIST. THE WOMAN HE WAS TALKING TO SAID THAT SHE WAS THE PHARMACIST AND AS SHE AND HER SISTER OWNED THE STORE, THERE WERE NO MALES EMPLOYED THERE. SHE THEN ASKED IF SHE COULD HELP THE GENTLEMAN.
THE COWBOY SAID THAT IT WAS SOMETHING THAT HE WOULD BE MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE DISCUSSING WITH A MALE PHARMACIST. THE FEMALE PHARMACIST ASSURED HIM THAT SHE WAS COMPLETELY PROFESSIONAL AND WHATEVER IT WAS THAT HE NEEDED TO DISCUSS, HE COULD BE CONFIDENT THAT SHE WOULD TREAT HIM WITH THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF PROFESSIONALISM.
THE YOUNG BRONC-BUSTER AGREED AND BEGAN BY SAYING, "THIS IS TOUGH FOR ME TO DISCUSS, BUT I HAVE A PERMANENT ERECTION. IT CAUSES ME A LOT OF PROBLEMS AND SEVERE EMBARRASSMENT, AND I WAS WONDERING WHAT YOU COULD GIVE ME FOR IT."
THE PHARMACIST SAID, "JUST A MINUTE, I'LL GO TALK TO MY SISTER."
WHEN SHE RETURNED, SHE SAID, "WE DISCUSSED IT AT LENGTH AND THE ABSOLUTE BEST WE CAN DO IS, 1/3 OWNERSHIP IN THE STORE, A COMPANY PICK-UP TRUCK, AND $3,000 A MONTH LIVING EXPENSES."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00 Court Costs. $45.00 The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The greatest pleasure I know is to do a good action by stealth, and to have it found out by accident.
Charles Lamb (1775-1834) British Essayist
-----
The wise understand by themselves, fools follow the reports of others.
-----
I feel that the essence of spiritual practice is your attitude toward others. When you have a pure, sincere motivation, then you have right attitude toward others based on kindness, compassion, love and respect.
~14th Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso
-----
There is nothing so comfortable as money, - but nothing so defiling if it be come by unworthily; nothing so comfortable, but nothing so noxious if the mind be allowed to dwell upon it constantly. If a man have enough, let him spend it freely. If he wants it,let him earn it honestly.
Anonymous
-----
Man is happy only as he finds work worth doing -- and does it well.
E. Merrill Root (1895-1973) American Writer
-----
When we feel love and kindness towards others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace. And there are ways in which we can consciously work to develop feelings of love and kindness.
~14th Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso
-----
To do the useful thing, to say the courageous thing, to contemplate the beautiful thing: that is enough for one man's life.
T. S. Eliot (1888-1965) American Poet
-----
When I meet people in different parts of the world, I am always reminded that we are all basically alike: we are all human beings. Maybe we have different clothes, our skin is of a different colour, or we speak different languages. That is on the surface. But basically, we are the same human beings.
~14th Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso
-----
The sign of intelligent people is their ability to control emotions by the application of reason.
Marya Mannes (1904-1990) American Journalist
-----
The realization that we are all basically the same human beings who seek happiness and try to avoid suffering is very helpful in developing a sense of brotherhood and sisterhood; a warm feeling of love and compassion for others.
~14th Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso
-----
It is never too late to be what you might have been.
George Eliot (1819-1880) English Novelist
-----
When we have inner peace, we can be at peace with those around us. When our community is in a state of peace, it can share that peace with neighbouring communities, and so on.
~14th Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso
-----
The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) Irish Dramatist and Poet
-----
If you have a sincere and open heart, you naturally feel self-worth and confidence, and there is no need to be fearful of others.
~14th Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso
-----
Believe in your dreams and they may come true; believe in yourself and they will come true.
-----
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Lord Byron (1788-1824) English Poet
-----
You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.
-----
To establish true self-esteem we must concentrate on our successes and forget about the failures and the negatives in our lives.
-----
I had rather do and not promise than promise and not do.
Arthur Warwick
-----
The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires.
William Arthur Ward
-----
If you aren't good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you'll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren't even giving to yourself.
-----
You really have to look inside yourself and find your own inner strength, and say, "I'm proud of what I am and who I am, and I'm just going to be myself."
-----
There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.
Aldous Huxley (1864-1963) English Novelist
-----
The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment, it is not in luck or chance, or the help of others; it is in yourself alone.
-----
To be able to practice five things everywhere under heaven constitutes perfect virtue... gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness, and kindness.
Confucius (551-479 BC) Chinese Philosopher
-----
Self-esteem isn't everything; it's just that there's nothing without it.
-----
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly
used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, What a Ride!" ¶ 8/09/2006 04:57:00 AM
THE COWBOY SAID THAT IT WAS SOMETHING THAT HE WOULD BE MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE DISCUSSING WITH A MALE PHARMACIST. THE FEMALE PHARMACIST ASSURED HIM THAT SHE WAS COMPLETELY PROFESSIONAL AND WHATEVER IT WAS THAT HE NEEDED TO DISCUSS, HE COULD BE CONFIDENT THAT SHE WOULD TREAT HIM WITH THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF PROFESSIONALISM.
THE YOUNG BRONC-BUSTER AGREED AND BEGAN BY SAYING, "THIS IS TOUGH FOR ME TO DISCUSS, BUT I HAVE A PERMANENT ERECTION. IT CAUSES ME A LOT OF PROBLEMS AND SEVERE EMBARRASSMENT, AND I WAS WONDERING WHAT YOU COULD GIVE ME FOR IT."
THE PHARMACIST SAID, "JUST A MINUTE, I'LL GO TALK TO MY SISTER."
WHEN SHE RETURNED, SHE SAID, "WE DISCUSSED IT AT LENGTH AND THE ABSOLUTE BEST WE CAN DO IS, 1/3 OWNERSHIP IN THE STORE, A COMPANY PICK-UP TRUCK, AND $3,000 A MONTH LIVING EXPENSES."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00 Court Costs. $45.00 The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The greatest pleasure I know is to do a good action by stealth, and to have it found out by accident.
Charles Lamb (1775-1834) British Essayist
-----
The wise understand by themselves, fools follow the reports of others.
-----
I feel that the essence of spiritual practice is your attitude toward others. When you have a pure, sincere motivation, then you have right attitude toward others based on kindness, compassion, love and respect.
~14th Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso
-----
There is nothing so comfortable as money, - but nothing so defiling if it be come by unworthily; nothing so comfortable, but nothing so noxious if the mind be allowed to dwell upon it constantly. If a man have enough, let him spend it freely. If he wants it,let him earn it honestly.
Anonymous
-----
Man is happy only as he finds work worth doing -- and does it well.
E. Merrill Root (1895-1973) American Writer
-----
When we feel love and kindness towards others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace. And there are ways in which we can consciously work to develop feelings of love and kindness.
~14th Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso
-----
To do the useful thing, to say the courageous thing, to contemplate the beautiful thing: that is enough for one man's life.
T. S. Eliot (1888-1965) American Poet
-----
When I meet people in different parts of the world, I am always reminded that we are all basically alike: we are all human beings. Maybe we have different clothes, our skin is of a different colour, or we speak different languages. That is on the surface. But basically, we are the same human beings.
~14th Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso
-----
The sign of intelligent people is their ability to control emotions by the application of reason.
Marya Mannes (1904-1990) American Journalist
-----
The realization that we are all basically the same human beings who seek happiness and try to avoid suffering is very helpful in developing a sense of brotherhood and sisterhood; a warm feeling of love and compassion for others.
~14th Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso
-----
It is never too late to be what you might have been.
George Eliot (1819-1880) English Novelist
-----
When we have inner peace, we can be at peace with those around us. When our community is in a state of peace, it can share that peace with neighbouring communities, and so on.
~14th Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso
-----
The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) Irish Dramatist and Poet
-----
If you have a sincere and open heart, you naturally feel self-worth and confidence, and there is no need to be fearful of others.
~14th Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso
-----
Believe in your dreams and they may come true; believe in yourself and they will come true.
-----
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Lord Byron (1788-1824) English Poet
-----
You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.
-----
To establish true self-esteem we must concentrate on our successes and forget about the failures and the negatives in our lives.
-----
I had rather do and not promise than promise and not do.
Arthur Warwick
-----
The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires.
William Arthur Ward
-----
If you aren't good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you'll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren't even giving to yourself.
-----
You really have to look inside yourself and find your own inner strength, and say, "I'm proud of what I am and who I am, and I'm just going to be myself."
-----
There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.
Aldous Huxley (1864-1963) English Novelist
-----
The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment, it is not in luck or chance, or the help of others; it is in yourself alone.
-----
To be able to practice five things everywhere under heaven constitutes perfect virtue... gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness, and kindness.
Confucius (551-479 BC) Chinese Philosopher
-----
Self-esteem isn't everything; it's just that there's nothing without it.
-----
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly
used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, What a Ride!" ¶ 8/09/2006 04:57:00 AM
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