The future is what you make it...(as passed on by a friend) Old gay men don't die, they're just pushed away.

Growing up we are taught to respect our elders; we are not encouraged to
have sex with them. Not only does the general population frown upon
intergenerational liaisons, but as a rule the aged are excluded from all
things sexual. Middle aged individuals are expected to transform from if not
vital, then at least potential, erotic beings into sexless geriatrics whose
sole purpose is to dole out baked goods, financial support and advice. Most
of the elderly heterosexuals I know seem to take this exclusion in stride,
however for many elderly gay men this sexual segregation is the worst part
of growing old. Raised in a culture where personal worth is integrated with
sexual expression and validation, many older gay men wake up to find both
their buttocks and their sexual worth have fallen through the floor. It is
not a welcomed discovery.

One need travel no further than the Fens in Boston or the dunes at Herring
Cove in Provincetown to see this sexual exclusion in action. While the more
junior varsity members of the gay community use these venues for a bit of
anonymous slap and tickle, the attending senior set is more often than not
left to their solitary devices. This is not for lack of trying. I have
witnessed numerous elderly attempts at engagement with the younger men in
these environments, but nine times out of ten they are either ignored or
actively discouraged. The message could not be clearer: We may suffer your
presence, old man, but not your participation.

This dismissal is largely based on the fact old men rarely fit the
mainstream definition of "hot." I am well aware of the urban legend of
younger gay men who find elders physically desirable, however in reality
they are as rare as charitable acts by Diana Ross. As one ages it is harder
to maintain the 28 inch waist and washboards abs (if indeed one had them to
begin with), and before you know it you are being passed over for the hotter
harder body at the other end of the bar. It's sad but true. Gravity may be
nobody's friend, but it is the nemesis of old gay men everywhere.

There are also the limited roles that older gay men get to authentically
play in sexual and social arenas to consider. The majority of sex archetypes
gay men have created are intrinsically linked with youth. The Jock, the
Twink, the Frat Boy, the Cow Boy, the Pool Boy (notice a theme?) are all the
province of a younger crowd. Perhaps the role these archetypes play in
pornography (where no one seems to be over the age of 30) add to the
confusion of what erotic space gay men fill after the half-century mark, but
the fact remains that options are anemic at best. A very informal survey of
the gay clubs in Boston and Provincetown proved the only viable erotic roles
left to older gay men are a Leather Daddy, a Bear, or some camped up cross
between Quentin Crisp and Addison Dewitt. For a community supposedly
obsessed with diversity, this lack of alternatives is both frightening and
alarming.

Of course many older gay men refuse to recognize the part they play in
perpetuating this system of exclusion. To hear them tell the tale they are
hapless victims of a cruel joke. It seems universal that these older men
want to be considered in a sexual context, but when pressed they would
rather have the attention of a younger man than one their own age. This
became apparent during a community forum last year focusing on aging in the
gay community. The elderly gay men present grumbled about how they are
sexually ignored by younger gay men, however when asked if they would
consider dating each other, the room became silent. Old gay men don't want
to be overlooked, however they can't even look at each other.

The tragedy of this situation is not what one may think. Aging may be
inevitable, but exclusion is not. Younger gay men have a responsibility to
engage older gay men not only in an intellectual and social sphere, but a
sexual one as well. It is the older gay men who created the sexual and
social spaces we all so effortlessly access, and to exclude them from these
same spaces is mean spirited at best. Is it really so awful to let an old
man cop a feel every now and again? Would a little flirtation kill you? It
may seem drastic, but before long it is going to be you on the bar stool
with your social security check and receding hairline, and you should think
about how you would like to be treated before you arrive. Remember, youth
may be fleeting, but old age lasts forever.  ¶ 11/13/2006 10:49:00 AM