Easter/Passover weekend and Death Becomes Us This past weekend was actually pretty good considering all the shit that happened last week.

Recap of last week: Argued with the old roommate but did finally come to a pretty decent agreement. I managed to not pull all my hair out from the frustrations with trying to get this school stuff figured out. Wednesday saw an email arriving from my mom saying that my great-uncle had passed away earlier that week. Thursday saw more rain pouring down as confirmation came through that the former Sheriff of Pender County (and the former boss/close friend to a lot of people) lost his battle to pancreatic cancer and passed away on Wednesday. And then I talked to my mom Saturday night while I had a bunch of fags in my apartment and found out that my great-aunt had had a heart attack and was in the hospital and not looking the greatest.

I know that death is a natural part of life and really don’t fear it. Hell, I sat and watched Darrell die slowly before the complications arose. I can deal with that. But I have such a sensitive psyche that I feel the pain from everyone else and can’t shut it out completely. That is the part that I never fully mastered. I have been to a total of five funerals now. When I was a kid, I went to my mom’s aunt’s funeral up in NYC and got to see the gothic look of some of the graveyards then. For some reason I was captivated. Mom refused me the right to go to a school friend’s funeral when I was in high school…Michelle had been killed on Interstate 40 right outside of Raleigh. Mom felt that it was not right for me to go to it. I felt differently, however, and dealt with that hard. Michelle had been one of the few people in high school who had actually accepted me for the person that I was and one of five who actually knew about my sexuality before I finally decided that living a lie was not for me anymore.

Four years ago, an officer was killed in the line of duty while I was working at Pender County Sheriff’s Office, so I attended that funeral…and was nearly blocked from that one. Less than a year later, Matt’s Me-Maw passed away and I went with him for emotional support. And went to Jill’s mom’s funeral where I finally could not hold back and actually lost it. That was probably the roughest funeral I have dealt with so far.

Matt was shocked that I was going to the Sheriff’s funeral, much less going alone. It was something that I had to do for myself. And, for me, it served a triple purpose. My great-uncle was cremated with no ceremony and I have strong feelings that I will not be able to attend my great-aunt’s. And when Grandma passed away a couple of years ago, I had not been privy to that information and, thus, was not able to attend. So this kinda served a purpose for all, and a sort of redemption. I know that you don’t have to attend a service to remember someone and the good they have done. But, somehow, it just doesn’t seem right to not be able to formally remember the person…to recognize them for what they were. I walked away from the service yesterday with only some slight shaking and the strong desire to wash after being in a church. (I have a thing about that since so many people have tried to change me and shove their teachings down my throat. The older churches don’t have that affect on me, but a lot of the newer ones do…but my close friend has clarified that I am not as much a heathen as many would like to think. Just different.)

But, back to the three day weekend that I was able to enjoy somewhat.

Friday saw me actually being somewhat productive. Managed to do my laundry and get my car washed, if not vacuumed. And then I played in JC’s fish pond and cleaned that up a bit…disturbing a frog in the process. I am going to see if I can’t get it up and running before his birthday party next weekend so he has a nice little water feature that works right, finally. There is a large hole near the back corner of the property that would be a great pond, but he doesn’t want to invest that much time into it right now, so I will have to be satisfied with what I can play in right now. *smile* Dinner at a friend’s house helped round out the evening before relaxing with a beer and watching THE CAVE.

Saturday was a busy day also. After grabbing JC and his car (cops are such fools sometimes) and a bite to eat downtown, it was off to run errands and wait for an old friend to call me. Forgot that he was having company. Whoops! Well, we all ended up down at the beach…weather was so nice. Started off with six gay guys and one questionable until our little marine friend called and wanted to show up with the navy boys in tow. Now, Mr. Marine is a really sweet kid, but sometimes I really have to wonder since he doesn’t always use his head. It turned into drama as the night went on, and I was very happy that I didn’t go down to the club and be pissed off. I just ended up pissed off when he got back from the club. My friends from Norfolk ended up keeping me company since I couldn’t sleep…I had a strong feeling that the marine would be trashed badly (his last weekend in North Caroline and he wanted to go out with a bang) and I would be the babysitter. I was not wrong in the least bit…sat up most of the night with him passed out on my bathroom floor after he was carried up the stairs.

I have a lot of patience, but not for drama or for people who want to act stupid. For such a cool kid in his sober hours, he is a complete jerk and ass when drunk. But, what can you do? I have a lot of respect for the guys in uniform, whether it is military or police. But, just because a person wears a uniform most of the day, it does not give them the right to arrogance or the sense of invulnerability. And this kid has both in abundance. One of these days he will learn the truth to life…of that I am definitely certain. But, until then, I guess he is going to live it up the way he knows how….sex and booze. Sounds like the story of some punk rocker.

But the best part of the weekend comes in two parts. Outside of being able to spend time with friends and get distracted from the drama of the week, I was able to see someone that I have not seen or talked to since last summer. I really did miss hanging out with him and am hoping that this will be a new beginning. Just one question, QYB: Why did you have to go and start dating my old frat brother?! LOL

The other part was the introduction to someone new. An Air Force fella currently stationed up in Fayetteville. Don’t let me go up there during the week, though! Don’t need to run into dad and explain why I am in town. LOL But the last few days has seen us talking quite a bit…time to see where things may end up leading to. It was funny Sunday night, though…he asked if it felt like we had known each other for a long time and were just getting caught up on missed time. I had to laugh, but, at the same time, agree with him. It was very odd but comforting at the same time. Only time will tell where things might end up leading with everything.

So, now I sit at work and wonder what is going on with my great-aunt, and try to just focus on the things going on right now. See where work leads me, focus on the good things of life…my friends who surround me now and lend me their strength when I don’t have any left in my bones. For that, I guess I am definitely grateful. Just don’t ask me to admit it.

“Being defeated is often only a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.” ~ Marilyn vos Savant 1946-NA

So here’s to refusing to be defeated and staying strong in the face of adversity and obstruction. Now, who has the vodka; my glass is empty and I need a refill.

Words of Wisdom
Clear mind is like the full moon in the sky. Sometimes clouds come and cover it, but the moon is always behind them. Clouds go away, then the moon shines brightly. So don't worry about clear mind: it is always there. When thinking comes, behind it is clear mind. When thinking goes, there is only clear mind. Thinking comes and goes, comes and goes, You must not be attached to the coming or the going. ~ Zen Master Seung Sahn

An army of sheep led by a lion would defeat an army of lions led by a sheep. ~ Arab proverb

A flower falls, even though we love it; and a weed grows, even though we do not love it. ~ Dogen

If you live the sacred and despise the ordinary, you are still bobbing in the ocean of delusion. ~ Lin-Chi

Nothing lowers the level of conversation more than raising the voice. ~ Stanley Horowitz

People in the West are always getting ready to live. ~ Chinese Proverb

The manner in which it is given is worth more than the gift. ~Pierre Corneille (1606-1684) French Playwright


Wisdom from the Dalai Lama
“We have genuine friendship when it is based on true human feeling, a feeling of closeness in which there is a sense of sharing and connectedness. I would call this type of friendship genuine because it is not affected by the increase or decrease of the individual’s wealth, status or power. The factor that sustains that friendship is whether or not the two people have mutual feelings of love and affection.”

“In the present circumstances, no one can afford to assume that someone else will solve their problems. Every individual has a responsibility to help guide our global family in the right direction. Good wishes are not sufficient; we must become actively engaged.”

“When I doubt that I exist, I pinch myself. Even if our knowledge of the world and of ourselves is illusory, a “not-born” a “not-become” exists. Without it we wouldn’t exist. But we exist in a way that is at once relative (to the activity of our mind) and conditioned (by all other existences).”

“Love and kindness are the very basis of society. If we lose these feelings, society will face tremendous difficulties; the survival of humanity will be endangered.”  ¶ 4/18/2006 04:55:00 AM