Getting deeper and deeper Read back through some blogs of friends, and my own, and had to start laughing. I am not commenting on anything that was said by anything that was said by anyone, if one was in the right or the wrong in accusations, nor will I take sides with one friend over another. I have been accused in the past of not being loyal, for not sticking up for someone I have known for a few years over one that I have known for a few months. It is not a matter of being loyal…it is a matter of seeing sides and points made. It is a matter of removing oneself and becoming objective in a matter. I think the loyalty that a friend shows is how willing they are to point out a friend’s shortcomings to try to bring attention to it…to help that person grow mentally, emotionally, spiritually. My methods have come under attack by many, but those that I care enough to call my friend know that I have the best intentions at heart. In the words of Buddha, “Fill your mind with compassion.”

But I had to laugh. Most of my friends and I talk about how much we don’t want drama…we deal with enough in our lives at work that we don’t want to see it brought home. When relationships split, the drama should end. One should not hate the other so much that they should want to inflict more damage. Hearts have already been torn asunder by one action or another, why cause more pain? But, as gay men, we have one major similarity with women: we have a hell of a time letting things go.

So, even though it is the summer, let me propose a resolution for all of us to consider in attempts of making things easier on ourselves, more drama-free: learn to let go. Learn to let shit happen and not drag it out over days or months. Learn to know when to walk away from the fight and let the dust settle. It is time for us to get our ‘big girl panties on’ and learn to grow up some. I know that it is hard for some of us (myself included) because we dwell on what others think or feel. We think that it is imperative that we need to defend ourselves and our reputations. People will think what they will…that is their right. If people really care, they will get to know us for who we are, not look at the outer casings or actions…what happens in a heated moment is not our true definition.

Yes, I have been doing some thinking. Recent communicae with a friend has been making me delve deeper than I like to go without the security cable attached firmly to my waist. But, it needs to be done once in awhile. I try to live be the rule that you can’t love another until you love yourself; you have to learn who you are before learning about another person. For those of us who have seen Hell and returned, we should be able to get through life with few issues…letting things roll off our back. But it can be hard. Our scars aren’t the physical ones (most times) that will heal and disappear in a few days. They are ones that can span lifetimes because the psyche has been wounded so deeply. For those who are trying to get close to someone like me, who faces a demon every day and tries to fight his inner battles alone, all I can say is one thing: give us time. We won’t open up immediately, but we are trying. We want to be able to fit in with the rest of the world around us, instead of watching from behind the plate glass window. The old adage of ‘patience is a virtue’ is very true when it comes to me and others of my ilk. But we still love all who are close to us…just show it in our own odd ways.

Song of the Day: Luz Divina “I Want to Be Free”  ¶ 6/01/2006 07:41:00 AM