World AIDS Day, Dec 1st Hey guys,

Tomorrow is December 1st and the internationally recognized World AIDS Day.

To read more about it:
World AIDS Day



Bristol-Myers Squibb will make a contribution to the National AIDS Fund if you light a candle on their website:
BMS's Light To Unite


Thanks and please remember all of those living with HIV/AIDS, especially tomorrow.  ¶ 11/30/2006 09:17:00 AM 0 comments

  For those who call me a girl....SUCK THIS!

You Are 60% Boyish and 40% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

  ¶ 11/30/2006 05:43:00 AM 1 comments

  The way I am starting to feel...
"Givin' Up On You" by Lara Fabian

Silence and quiet
Again in my life
Far from these moments
I wish I was
Passion and truth
We were about
Before these shadows
Stole the beat of our hearts
[Chorus:]
After all we have been through
I can only look at you
Through the eyes you lied to
I'm givin' up, givin' up
I'm givin' up on you
After all if there is no way out
If you cannot stand beside me
If there isn't love
There is only pride
I'm givin' up, I'm givin' up this fight
Undo this leash
You say I tied
When only our fears are to
blame this time
And what am I to you
Just spit it out
I'm not afraid of the words that you hide
[Chorus]
Where do we go
Where did it all crash
When did it start to fall apart
Silence and quiet
Passion, the truth
Shadows, only shadows
[Chorus]


Too much these days I am starting to feel this way towards those who have said they were true friends. Too many times lately I have been taken for the joy ride to Hell, from which I have been digging myself out from. People taking advantage of feelings, lying to my face...I am tired of it all right now.

Mood: Frustrated  ¶ 11/29/2006 10:33:00 AM 0 comments

  Flashbacks Below is a blog entry that I found still on my computer from back in July. I read over and was amazed at how things haven't really changed much...just gotten more complicated. Will life ever stop being full of wonders?




Humpee in search of Humper 07/12/06
Yet another hump day and I need to get humped. And more than just a dry hump or a dog deciding he wants to use my leg. I mean a real hard and heavy, ball-busting in your face kind of hump.

Anyway.

So I have gotten back into the dating scene a little bit. Not much, though. But I don’t know what is out there these days…or where I find some of the people I have gone with. There are a few good guys, but I am having a hard time finding someone who can take me as I am right now, and allow me to grow in my own time and manner. I am not looking to fill a mold that someone else is wanting for their partner. Hell, I haven’t even fit the mold my parents wanted for me! But some could attribute that to more of a child rebelling against the parents thing. I don’t know.

I pick with my friends about the dating thing, one of them especially. He and I have known each other for almost five years now. It is a little scary when I think back on things as far as how long I have known someone. All the ups and downs, fights and everything else that life has tossed my way. And to have people sit through most of it with me! I feel sorry for them.

But my friend knows that I am going on three years now of being single and I am ready for it to end. I have had my flings here and there…those little few week to one month things that you know won’t go anywhere or amount to much. But as far as that meaningful existence, or the steps to it, goes…not there. I get in my moods of where I don’t care, and I tell him that. But he disagrees. He loves to tell me “You care…perhaps more than you want to care. And it matters…much more than you want to admit. I just see so much going for you that it’s hard to see you longing so hard for that which you do not have.”

I nod and say thank you. I know that I have pulled myself through a lot, and created a lot of opportunities for me in the last few years. But it still sucks sometimes that the things I really want are hovering there….in sight but out of reach. The tantalizing carrot to the tortoise in the race…or the banana bites to the monkey in the science lab. Life feels like a big old maze or test; find the way to finish in the shortest time, or choose the correct answer to get a banana bite. Come play with my monkey…he is lonely.

And the funny part is that I have some jealousy of others who came into my life and passed through…and still find the thing we all search for. I have communicae with my ex-husband once in awhile. He was telling me about this new boy he has been dating for the last month and how he hopes that he will be ready to settle down and start a family of his own. I told him that I hope he gets all that he asks for. I guess I didn’t seem as excited as him, or as happy either. I don’t know. It is always hard to be able to tell a tone when you are typing. But, maybe it is the people who know me that know that I can be sarcastic, blah, or mean in a few words. I don’t mean to be…I just write/speak what comes to mind. Anything else is on the subconscious level.

I know that things should not be rushed. I know to leave my options open. I know to just be me. But sometimes I wonder if I should put the façade out for a bit…not let the other person know who I am or what I am like. I entertain the idea for a bit, and then toss it to the wayside. I spent so long being something/someone that I am not. I can’t live those lies anymore.

So, take me or leave me. See me in all my moods, in the ups and downs, the stress and release, the clean and covered modes. Know that I will keep the guards up a bit, but they will come back down as I get to know you. I will tell you my secrets as I feel more comfortable. Don’t try to trap me and I will feel safe. Don’t try to control or I will run away. Don’t try to command (unless it is in bed) and I won’t give hell back.

That is all I ask. Is that too much?  ¶ 11/29/2006 10:04:00 AM 0 comments

  Movie Friday Casino Royale (PG-13); Wide release
James Bond's first 007 mission takes him to Madagascar, where he is to spy on a terrorist Mollaka. Not everything goes as planned and Bond decides to investigate, independently of the MI6 agency, in order to track down the rest of the terrorist cell. Following a lead to the Bahamas, he encounters Dimitrios and his girlfriend, Solange. He learns that Dimitrios is involved with Le Chiffre, banker to the world's terrorist organizations. Secret Service intelligence reveals that Le Chiffre is planning to raise money in a high-stakes poker game in Montenegro at Le Casino Royale. MI6 assigns 007 to play against him, knowing that if Le Chiffre loses, it will destroy his organization. 'M' places Bond under the watchful eye of the beguiling Vesper Lynd. At first skeptical of what value Vesper can provide, Bond's interest in her deepens as they brave danger together--and even torture at the hands of Le Chiffre. In Montenegro, Bond allies himself with Matthis, MI6's local field agent, and Felix Leiter, who is representing the interests of the CIA. The marathon game proceeds with dirty tricks and violence, raising the stakes beyond blood money and reaching a terrifying climax.
Starring: Daniel Craig, Judi Dench, Mads Mikkelsen, Eva Green, Jeffrey Wright

Happy Feet (PG); Wide release
In the great nation of Emperor Penguins, deep in Antarctica, you're nobody unless you can sing--which is unfortunate for Mumble, who is the worst singer in the world. He is born dancing to his own tune--tap dancing. Though Mumble's mom, Norma Jean, thinks this little habit is cute, his dad, Memphis, says it "just ain't penguin." Besides, they both know that, without a Heartsong, Mumble may never find true love. As fate would have it, his one friend, Gloria, happens to be the best singer around. Mumble and Gloria have a connection from the moment they hatch, but she struggles with his strange "hippity- hoppity" ways. Mumble is just too different--especially for Noah the Elder, the stern leader of Emperor Land, who ultimately casts him out of the community. Away from home for the first time, Mumble meets a posse of decidedly un-Emperor-like penguins--the Adelie Amigos. Led by Ramon, the Adelies instantly embrace Mumble's cool dance moves and invite him to party with them. In Adelie Land, Mumble seeks the counsel of Lovelace the Guru, a crazy-feathered Rockhopper penguin who will answer any of life's questions for the price of a pebble. Together with Lovelace and the Amigos, Mumble sets out across vast landscapes and, after some epic encounters, proves that by being true to yourself, you can make all the difference in the world.
Starring: Elijah Wood, Robin Williams, Hugh Jackman, Nicole Kidman, Brittany Murphy

Let's Go to Prison (R); Wide release
Felon John Lyshitski has figured out the best way to get revenge on the now-dead judge who sent him to jail: watch the official's obnoxious son, Nelson Biederman IV, survive the clink. John strikes gold when Nelson is wrongly convicted of a crime and sent to the pen he used to call home. He gleefully gets sent back to become Nelson's cellmate and to ensure that his new buddy gets the full treatment. Let the games begin. Lesson #1: the joint's a scary place, so you better make friends fast. Right away, Nelson offends the wrong cons and is sold--by John--to Barry for prison snuggling. But just as revenge starts tasting sweet, Nelson becomes Big Man in the Big House and turns the tables on John--changing the rules of his insane game.
Starring: Will Arnett, Dax Shepard, Chi McBride

Fast Food Nation (R); Limited release
A fictionalized thriller inspired by Eric Schlosser's bestselling nonfiction expose of junk food companies. The story of fast food is the story of postwar America. Though created by a handful of mavericks, the fast food industry has triggered the homogenization of our society. Fast food has hastened the malling of our landscape, widened the chasm between rich and poor, fueled an epidemic of obesity, and propelled the juggernaut of American cultural imperialism abroad. Schlosser's myth-shattering survey stretches from the California subdivisions where the business was born to the industrial corridor along the New Jersey Turnpike where many of fast food's flavors are concocted. Along the way, he unearths a trove of fascinating, unsettling truths--from the unholy alliance between fast food and Hollywood to the seismic changes the industry has wrought in food production, popular culture, and even real estate.
Starring: Patricia Arquette, Bobby Cannavale, Luis Guzman, Ethan Hawke, Greg Kinnear

For Your Consideration (PG-13); Limited release
Debut feature director Jay Berman steers cast and crew through a typically tumultuous independent film Home for Purim, an intimate period drama about a Jewish family's turbulent reunion on the occasion of the dying matriarch's favorite holiday. When Internet-generated rumors begin circulating that three of the film's stars--faded luminary Marilyn Hack, journeyman actor and former hot dog pitchman Victor Allan Miller, and ingénue Callie Webb--may be perpetrating Award-worthy performances, a rumble of excitement rattles the cast. Once Hollywood Now anchors Chuck Porter and Cindy Martin pick up the buzz, Award fever infects the entire production. Unit publicist Corey Taft, talent agent Morley Orfkin, and producer Whitney Taylor Brown all smell the sudden potential for a sleeper hit. As does Sunfish Classics President Martin Gibb, who suggests some last-minute changes that he feels will broaden the film's appeal. Meanwhile, Purim's screenwriters, Lane Iverson and Philip Koontz, grow steadily more horrified as they watch the first film adaptation of their work diverge from their original story. As the hopeful Purim team careens toward the end of production and the upcoming Award season, tenuous relationships and brittle dreams play out in unexpected ways.
Starring: Bob Balaban, Jennifer Coolidge, Christopher Guest, Eugene Levy, Michael McKean

HorrorFest - 8 Films To Die For - Dark Ride (R); Limited release
Ten years after he brutally murdered two girls, a killer escapes from a mental institution and returns to his turf--a theme park attraction called "Dark Ride." About to collide on this killer's path are a group of college kids on a road trip who stumble across the park, unaware that this thrill ride is the last one they're ever going to take.
Starring: Jamie-Lynn DiScala, Patrick Renna, David Rogers, Alex Solowitz, Andrea Bogart

HorrorFest - 8 Films To Die For - Penny Dreadful (R); Limited release
Penny, a young woman traumatized by a childhood auto accident that killed her parents, accompanies her therapist on a road trip back to the scene of the accident as part of her therapy to overcome her fear of cars. But, when the two women accidentally cross paths with a dark and mysterious Hitch Hiker on a lonely stretch of mountain highway an attempt at healing suddenly takes a terrifying detour into a horrorific life-and-death struggle with a ruthless, deranged killer bent on preying upon Penny's worst fears.
Starring: Rachel Miner, Mimi Rogers, Michael Berryman, Mickey Jones, Liz Davies

HorrorFest - 8 Films To Die For - Reincarnation (Rinne) (R); Limited release
This suspenseful, psychological horror film deals with the topic of reincarnation.
Starring: Yuka, Karina, Keppei Shiina, Tetta Sugimoto, Shun Oguri

HorrorFest - 8 Films To Die For - Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horror (R); Limited release
"Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horror" is a hip-hop horror anthology featuring a trio of stories involving the residents of a nefarious neighborhood and how their actions in this life determine their fate in the next. "Hood of Horror" features an exciting blend of live action horror and gore-filled anime sequences created by Japan's Madhouse under the supervision of Academy Award® winner John Gaeta.
Starring: Snoop Dogg, Ernie Hudson, Danny Trejo, Pooch Hall, Anson Mount

HorrorFest - 8 Films To Die For - Unrest (R); Limited release
Alison Blanchard begins her journey to become a physician in her Gross Anatomy class, where she must confront rows of cadavers and her own fear of mortality. When the sheets are drawn back revealing her cadaver, Alison senses a presence in the lab. Her jaded professor chalks it up to first year "jitters" but her worries increase when a friend is found dead in the basement. Alison must find out the truth behind her cadaver before its angered spirit can wreak further vengeance on those who dared to disturb the body.
Starring: Corri English, Scott Davis, Joshua Alba, Jay Jablonski, Derrick O'Connor


Coming Attractions
-
Bobby (R); Wide release; opens 11/22

Deck the Halls (PG); Wide release; opens 11/22

Deja Vu (PG-13); Wide release; opens 11/22

The Fountain (PG-13); Wide release; opens 11/22

Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny (R); Wide release; opens 11/22  ¶ 11/17/2006 12:27:00 PM 0 comments

  A Different Christmas Poem The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,

I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.

My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,

My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.

Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,

Transforming the yard to a winter delight.

The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,

Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.

My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,

Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.

In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,

So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.



The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,

But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.

Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the

sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,

And I crept to the door just to see who was near.

Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,

A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.



A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,

Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.

Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,

Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,

"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!

Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,

You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"



For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,

Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..

To the window that danced with a warm fire's light

Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right, I'm out
here by choice. I'm here every night." "It's my duty to stand at

the front of the line,

That separates you from the darkest of times.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,

I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.

My Gramps died at ' Pearl on a day in December,"

Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."

My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ' Nam ',

And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,

But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.



Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,

The red, white, and blue... an American flag.

I can live through the cold and the being alone,

Away from my family, my house and my home.

I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,

I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.

I can carry the weight of killing another,

Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..

Who stand at the front against any and all,

To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."



"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,

Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."

"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,

"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?

It seems all too little for all that you've done,

For being away from your wife and your son."

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,

"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.

To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,

To stand your own watch, no matter how long.

For when we come home, either standing or dead,

To know you remember we fought and we bled.

Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,

That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."



PLEASE, Would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many
people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due
to our U.S.service men and women for our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we
owe.

Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who
sacrificed themselves for us.  ¶ 11/17/2006 09:59:00 AM 0 comments

  Friday's musings.... "The One That Got Away" – Natasha Bedingfield

Would you spare me a minute give me a single chance
To look in your eyes let me hold your hand
I want to get close enough to read you, understand you
Open up your heart open up your mind
Nobody needs another stalker in your life
I'm only here to help you learn to love me, to know me

[Chorus] I need a hook so you won't be the one that got away
I need a look that stuns you makes you want to stay
Don't want to speak in case it comes out wrong
Don't want to blink cause in that second you could be gone
I need a twist to help me turn, turn this story around
I need a bridge to cross this dangerous ground
Meet me in the middle like I want you to
I gotta find your heart to shoot my arrow through

Did you see me staring you caught my eye
Don't turn around don't walk away
The night is young can we get together
Got so many questions feelings I can't explain
We're worlds apart don't even know your name
I'm longing to give you my heart

[Chorus]

Turn around don't evaporate
Like you never came turn around
Don't be a ghost forever never there to haunt me
Sliding doors they aren't just on a train
We're alone on a platform in the rain
There's a chance and it won't come again
Turn around your whole life has changed

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is funny the feelings that can be dredged up by a song that you hear on the radio or while you are at work trying to focus on a Friday. The last few weeks have been pretty rough for me on an emotional level as I have been fighting the fire that exists within me, trying to keep it tempered with the water side of my persona. But lately that fire has started raging a little more out of control, burning away the water instead of being tamed by it.

Those close to me know the feelings that I have for a particular person, and I get varied advice from them in regards to what I should do. I know that he shares some of the feelings, but not to the levels that I experience them. And it isn’t something that has just sprung up overnight. It has years following behind them, and it has a tendency to make things a little hard.

We have our arguments and sometimes discussions regarding the situation, but I don’t know what to really believe these days with this situation. Lately, there has been no chance for any sort of discussion as he does not want to face what is going on. I know that he has been hurting because his best friend of six years has essentially kicked him to the curb. And he has been spending a lot more time with someone else as of late too. I know that I should not get jealous, but it is hard when I hear so much of what they do, or how often this guy comes by. I find out that they have their own discussions about the ‘time share’ and the guy is upset because he thinks that he doesn’t get as much as time as I do. I laugh some at that because he doesn’t realize that he has actually gotten a lot more time in with my friend, and he has been allowed the chance to cuddle with someone during the night while I have not.

This has made for very awkward situations and I have started to back away, even when I really didn’t want to. My friend has been there through a lot, and I know that he has tried to do what he can. But sometimes it just doesn’t feel like much. He tells me that my expectations are set too high. But he forgets at times that I expect a lot from those close to me because they ARE close to me. I have not loved someone like this in a very long time. Yes, I have loved people, but not to the point where it has caused me emotional anguish. I try not to push my expectations on him these days because he has not been available when I needed it. Instead I have turned back on myself again, not really feeling comfortable talking to people about the problems I have experienced, or just cut the emotion out from showing through physical means. I know that it shows in my eyes…those are always the hardest to shield from everyone else.

I have been told to just leave him behind and not think twice. I couldn’t do that because it would kill me. I have had two (ex) boyfriends die on me, and various friends; I am not sure I could handle another right now. I have been told to keep pushing for what I want and that he will eventually give in. But I don’t want to pressure him into anything. I want him to do it because he finally feels comfortable with it. But I know that he has more concerns about how the dynamics of his friendships with others would change, and he doesn’t think that they would survive his dating anyone, much less me. That is probably the part that kills me the most because he is so worried about the thoughts and opinions of others in that aspect.

So, instead, I sit at home, numb the pain in the ways that I know best and search for that day and way that things will go another way. I have chased a dead end it seems. Just one day I would like to get what I want instead of giving what others want all the time.

In the words of Wynonna…“In my life there's been heartache and pain/I don't know if I can face it again/I can't stop now, I've traveled so far/To change this lonely life/I want to know what love is/I want you to show me/I want to feel what love is/I know you can show me…”  ¶ 11/17/2006 06:48:00 AM 0 comments

  Love...according to the Dalai Lama Nearly all of us receive our first lessons in peaceful living from our mothers, because the need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. From the earliest stages of our growth, we are completely dependent on our mother's care and it is very important for us that she express her love. If children do not receive proper affection, in later life they will often find it hard to love others.

If a person has never encountered love toward himself or herself from any quarter, it is a very sad thing. But if that person can meet even one person who will show unconditional love - simply acceptance and compassion - if he knows that he is an object of someone else's affection and love it is bound to have an impact, and this will be appreciated. Because there is a seed in himself, this act of love will start to catalyse or ripen that seed.  ¶ 11/15/2006 11:45:00 AM 1 comments

  Disillusioned with life... I pride myself on being nearly twenty-six and having a good idea of what I want in life. When asked about it by friends, the usual answers are: 1) Finish my high school transcrips so I can go back and get a double degree in Graphic Design and Landscape Architecture; 2) Get my birth certificate from my home state so that I can get my passport and travel a little bit; 3) Visit Thailand, the Mediterranean, Canada and wherever else life might take me; 4) Get settled in with a job that I enjoy; 5) Find that partner that I can actually see spending the rest of my time with. I say rest of my time because we never know when things can get cut short. My ultimate goal? Make friends with people that I am truly happy to be friends with.

Going about getting that has not been the easiest for me, but I am slowly propelling myself in the right direction. There are always setbacks in the road of life, but you figure ways around it. In the words of Reba, ‘I’m gonna take that mountain” and I am gonna take it at a run. Hell, isn’t that how I have take life period? Moving fast and not actually pausing to enjoy the scenery.

I have to laugh though. I had recently started talking to some guys, nothing definite or truly serious, but seeing where things could go. A couple had recently separated from their partners, two had been single for a little while. All of them seemed to be really cool, in my eyes at the time. One I had known already from awhile back…it is amazing how people can leave and come back into your life.

Anyway, back to what I was talking about. There was one dude who live a couple hours north of me who was straight up honest about what was going on with him and his ex, and that he wasn’t fully ready for anything. That was cool. I appreciated the fact that he was honest with me. We had fun when he was down visiting, talked all the time online and on the phone. It was nice meeting someone who was chill about things. He and his ex decided that they were going to try one more time to see if there was anything salvageable from their time together, and I wished him the best of luck with it. They had a lot of time together, more than most gay couples, and it was worth the effort. Was I disappointed, yeah I can say that I was. But, we still talk and he was one of the first to find out about my promotion at work.

On the other hand, the guy that I knew already is a completely different story. He had recently split from his boy and was looking for the next one in his life. We talked and he wanted me to relocate immediately. That I could not do. I have too much going with work and my living arrangements that I cannot just back out within a moment’s notice. So, I had to talk him down some and agree that we would see how things flew for the next few months, and, if they were good, then I would look into relocating back to an old home town. Things seem good and then no communication from him. I finally get the chance to call and don’t really get much from him other than “the boyfriend is back.” Okay….excuse me? What happened here?

It seemed like he didn’t want to talk much, so I kinda let it go. Well, about as much as I can let something go that sticks in my head for any length of time. I wait until the next day to call him and I get the story of the kid just showed up on his doorstep and is currently trying to make himself at home. I asked what my friend wanted, and he said he didn’t know. Many times I have had to explain to someone that what happened was their decision. If they didn’t want someone around, then they needed to say so, not suffer in silence. And, once again, I told him that. He agreed and said he would call me later on to discuss it. I am not holding my breath.

Lately my plans over the last month or so have been shoved into the trash for one reason or another. I am not complaining….too much. I actually like to have things planned out a bit, or at least see those plans come to fruition. Most of my plans hadn’t, so I was really hoping something would.

But I have to laugh. Both guys that I mentioned aforehand are around the same age, if only a year or two in difference. Both are older than me, as is usually my norm. I was talking about it with a coworker of mine and he said that I needed an older guy. I told him that both these guys, and the one guy that I have some truly serious feelings for, are all older, around his age. He looked shocked and said that didn’t look good for guys his age range. I just laughed.

I am not sure what it is with me. I seem to find those people that are unattainable in some manner, or really have no clue what is going on. Or they just want to play games. I have another friend that I had to stop chilling with on a regular basis because of what was starting to happen between us. And I didn’t want to be the reason for a split in a relationship.

But, I have learned one lesson.

Age really doesn’t mean much anymore. You can be nearly forty and still not be ready for things, or have the maturity level to be able to actually figure out what it is that you are wanting out of life. The experiences that you could have had up until that point don’t mean much if you can’t apply them to the rest of your life.

What do I do from here, or where am I to go? I don’t know. I guess only time will tell on that one. As my ex put it to me the other day, “He’s chasing someone else, you are chasing him, and I am chasing you. But who is chasing me? No one.” It seems like I am headed to that cycle soon myself.  ¶ 11/15/2006 10:52:00 AM 1 comments

  The future is what you make it...(as passed on by a friend) Old gay men don't die, they're just pushed away.

Growing up we are taught to respect our elders; we are not encouraged to
have sex with them. Not only does the general population frown upon
intergenerational liaisons, but as a rule the aged are excluded from all
things sexual. Middle aged individuals are expected to transform from if not
vital, then at least potential, erotic beings into sexless geriatrics whose
sole purpose is to dole out baked goods, financial support and advice. Most
of the elderly heterosexuals I know seem to take this exclusion in stride,
however for many elderly gay men this sexual segregation is the worst part
of growing old. Raised in a culture where personal worth is integrated with
sexual expression and validation, many older gay men wake up to find both
their buttocks and their sexual worth have fallen through the floor. It is
not a welcomed discovery.

One need travel no further than the Fens in Boston or the dunes at Herring
Cove in Provincetown to see this sexual exclusion in action. While the more
junior varsity members of the gay community use these venues for a bit of
anonymous slap and tickle, the attending senior set is more often than not
left to their solitary devices. This is not for lack of trying. I have
witnessed numerous elderly attempts at engagement with the younger men in
these environments, but nine times out of ten they are either ignored or
actively discouraged. The message could not be clearer: We may suffer your
presence, old man, but not your participation.

This dismissal is largely based on the fact old men rarely fit the
mainstream definition of "hot." I am well aware of the urban legend of
younger gay men who find elders physically desirable, however in reality
they are as rare as charitable acts by Diana Ross. As one ages it is harder
to maintain the 28 inch waist and washboards abs (if indeed one had them to
begin with), and before you know it you are being passed over for the hotter
harder body at the other end of the bar. It's sad but true. Gravity may be
nobody's friend, but it is the nemesis of old gay men everywhere.

There are also the limited roles that older gay men get to authentically
play in sexual and social arenas to consider. The majority of sex archetypes
gay men have created are intrinsically linked with youth. The Jock, the
Twink, the Frat Boy, the Cow Boy, the Pool Boy (notice a theme?) are all the
province of a younger crowd. Perhaps the role these archetypes play in
pornography (where no one seems to be over the age of 30) add to the
confusion of what erotic space gay men fill after the half-century mark, but
the fact remains that options are anemic at best. A very informal survey of
the gay clubs in Boston and Provincetown proved the only viable erotic roles
left to older gay men are a Leather Daddy, a Bear, or some camped up cross
between Quentin Crisp and Addison Dewitt. For a community supposedly
obsessed with diversity, this lack of alternatives is both frightening and
alarming.

Of course many older gay men refuse to recognize the part they play in
perpetuating this system of exclusion. To hear them tell the tale they are
hapless victims of a cruel joke. It seems universal that these older men
want to be considered in a sexual context, but when pressed they would
rather have the attention of a younger man than one their own age. This
became apparent during a community forum last year focusing on aging in the
gay community. The elderly gay men present grumbled about how they are
sexually ignored by younger gay men, however when asked if they would
consider dating each other, the room became silent. Old gay men don't want
to be overlooked, however they can't even look at each other.

The tragedy of this situation is not what one may think. Aging may be
inevitable, but exclusion is not. Younger gay men have a responsibility to
engage older gay men not only in an intellectual and social sphere, but a
sexual one as well. It is the older gay men who created the sexual and
social spaces we all so effortlessly access, and to exclude them from these
same spaces is mean spirited at best. Is it really so awful to let an old
man cop a feel every now and again? Would a little flirtation kill you? It
may seem drastic, but before long it is going to be you on the bar stool
with your social security check and receding hairline, and you should think
about how you would like to be treated before you arrive. Remember, youth
may be fleeting, but old age lasts forever.  ¶ 11/13/2006 10:49:00 AM 0 comments

  Fridays can be full of thanks! Just so everyone knows, the JDRF Walk last Saturday went off well and with very few hitches. My team within the company brought in close to $5000, and I brought in $1226. I want to thank all my friends that took the time to donate...I really do appreciate it!! You can check out one of the pics from the day at my Myspace page.

I am just ready for this week to be over...the last month has been hell on several different levels and I am hoping that this month will actually bring something new and better. We shall see, though, I guess....

Now, for you Friday movie releases...............

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (R); Wide release
Journalist Borat Sagdiyev leaves his native Kazakhstan to travel to America to make a documentary. As he zigzags across the nation, Borat meets real people in real situations with hysterical consequences. His backwards behavior generates strong reactions around him, exposing prejudices and hypocrisies in American culture. In some cases, Borat's interview subjects embrace his outrageous views on race and sex by agreeing with him, while others attempt to offer a patriotic lesson in Western values. Wa-wa-wee-wa!

Starring: Sacha Baron Cohen, Daniel Castro, Pamela Anderson, Ken Davitian, Alexandra Paul

Flushed Away (PG); Wide release
A pampered British rat accidentally gets flushed from his posh penthouse flat into the slimy London sewers.

Starring: Kate Winslet, Hugh Jackman, Ian McKellen, Andy Serkis, Bill Nighy

The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (G); Wide release
It's Christmas time once again and Scott Calvin juggles a full house of family and the mischievous Jack Frost, who is trying to take over the big guy's holiday. At the risk of giving away the secret location of the North Pole, Scott invites his in-laws to share in the holiday festivities, and upcoming birth of baby Claus with expectant wife, Carol. Along for the adventure are Scott's extended family, son Charlie, ex-wife Laura Miller, her husband, Neil Miller and their daughter, Lucy who, together with head elf Curtis, foil Jack Frost's crafty scheme to control the North Pole.

Starring: Tim Allen, Martin Short, Ann-Margret, Elizabeth Mitchell, Judge Reinhold

Infamous (R); Limited release
What starts out as the irreverent journey of the openly gay writer Truman Capote to the middle-class world of 1950's Kansas, where he goes--with his childhood friend Harper Lee--to research the murder of the Clutter family, turns to something altogether darker when Capote forms an intense and complex relationship with one of the murderers. In doing so, he produced his greatest work, In Cold Blood, but at a devastating personal cost.

Starring: Toby Jones, Sandra Bullock, Daniel Craig, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sigourney Weaver

Shottas (R); Limited release
Kingston, Jamaica is a breeding ground for great music, great food, great style and great shottas--young, homegrown Jamaican gangsters. Biggs and Wayne grew up together on the tough and dangerous streets of Kingston. Hoping for a better life, with limited possibilities on the horizon, they rob a soda truck and manage to grab enough money to purchase visas to take them to a better life in the United States. Their dream doesn't go as planned. After hustling in the drug world of Miami gets them into trouble, the young men are deported--sent back to Jamaica with empty pockets and dashed hopes. But shottas can always find a way. Back home, with the complicity of local politicians and the export money from local businesses, they start building their way back to the lifestyle they had made for themselves in Miami. All goes well until the crime rate surges as rivals in Kingston's underworld resent their new homegrown success. The heat is on to put an end to the cycle of crime and violence, and a local politician, in exchange for his life, arranges to buy visas back to the States so Biggs and his crew can re-establish themselves in Miami. The growing body count from warfare instigated by their powerful return to the Miami scene carries a heavy burden, a burden that only a shottas can bear.

Starring: Ky-Mani Marley, Spragga Benz, Paul Campbell, Louie Rankin, Wyclef Jean

Umrao Jaan (NR); Limited release
"Umrao Jaan" unveils the injustices faced by women and advocates their emancipation. Set in late 19th-century India, the film tells the story of Umrao Jaan, a courtesan and poetess who was kidnapped as a child and sold into the country's prevalent culture of courtesanship. Umrao becomes popular amongst Lucknow's elite, including a nawab, a childhood friend and a dacoit with whom she attempts an escape from her brothel.

Starring: Aishwarya Rai, Abhishek Bachchan, Shabana Azmi, Suniel Shetty



Coming Attractions
-
Babel (R); Wide release; opens 11/10

A Good Year (PG-13); Wide release; opens 11/10

Harsh Times (R); Wide release; opens 11/10

The Return (PG-13); Wide release; opens 11/10

Shut Up & Sing (R); Wide release; opens 11/10

Stranger Than Fiction (PG-13); Wide release; opens 11/10  ¶ 11/03/2006 05:03:00 AM 0 comments