Disillusioned with life... I pride myself on being nearly twenty-six and having a good idea of what I want in life. When asked about it by friends, the usual answers are: 1) Finish my high school transcrips so I can go back and get a double degree in Graphic Design and Landscape Architecture; 2) Get my birth certificate from my home state so that I can get my passport and travel a little bit; 3) Visit Thailand, the Mediterranean, Canada and wherever else life might take me; 4) Get settled in with a job that I enjoy; 5) Find that partner that I can actually see spending the rest of my time with. I say rest of my time because we never know when things can get cut short. My ultimate goal? Make friends with people that I am truly happy to be friends with.

Going about getting that has not been the easiest for me, but I am slowly propelling myself in the right direction. There are always setbacks in the road of life, but you figure ways around it. In the words of Reba, ‘I’m gonna take that mountain” and I am gonna take it at a run. Hell, isn’t that how I have take life period? Moving fast and not actually pausing to enjoy the scenery.

I have to laugh though. I had recently started talking to some guys, nothing definite or truly serious, but seeing where things could go. A couple had recently separated from their partners, two had been single for a little while. All of them seemed to be really cool, in my eyes at the time. One I had known already from awhile back…it is amazing how people can leave and come back into your life.

Anyway, back to what I was talking about. There was one dude who live a couple hours north of me who was straight up honest about what was going on with him and his ex, and that he wasn’t fully ready for anything. That was cool. I appreciated the fact that he was honest with me. We had fun when he was down visiting, talked all the time online and on the phone. It was nice meeting someone who was chill about things. He and his ex decided that they were going to try one more time to see if there was anything salvageable from their time together, and I wished him the best of luck with it. They had a lot of time together, more than most gay couples, and it was worth the effort. Was I disappointed, yeah I can say that I was. But, we still talk and he was one of the first to find out about my promotion at work.

On the other hand, the guy that I knew already is a completely different story. He had recently split from his boy and was looking for the next one in his life. We talked and he wanted me to relocate immediately. That I could not do. I have too much going with work and my living arrangements that I cannot just back out within a moment’s notice. So, I had to talk him down some and agree that we would see how things flew for the next few months, and, if they were good, then I would look into relocating back to an old home town. Things seem good and then no communication from him. I finally get the chance to call and don’t really get much from him other than “the boyfriend is back.” Okay….excuse me? What happened here?

It seemed like he didn’t want to talk much, so I kinda let it go. Well, about as much as I can let something go that sticks in my head for any length of time. I wait until the next day to call him and I get the story of the kid just showed up on his doorstep and is currently trying to make himself at home. I asked what my friend wanted, and he said he didn’t know. Many times I have had to explain to someone that what happened was their decision. If they didn’t want someone around, then they needed to say so, not suffer in silence. And, once again, I told him that. He agreed and said he would call me later on to discuss it. I am not holding my breath.

Lately my plans over the last month or so have been shoved into the trash for one reason or another. I am not complaining….too much. I actually like to have things planned out a bit, or at least see those plans come to fruition. Most of my plans hadn’t, so I was really hoping something would.

But I have to laugh. Both guys that I mentioned aforehand are around the same age, if only a year or two in difference. Both are older than me, as is usually my norm. I was talking about it with a coworker of mine and he said that I needed an older guy. I told him that both these guys, and the one guy that I have some truly serious feelings for, are all older, around his age. He looked shocked and said that didn’t look good for guys his age range. I just laughed.

I am not sure what it is with me. I seem to find those people that are unattainable in some manner, or really have no clue what is going on. Or they just want to play games. I have another friend that I had to stop chilling with on a regular basis because of what was starting to happen between us. And I didn’t want to be the reason for a split in a relationship.

But, I have learned one lesson.

Age really doesn’t mean much anymore. You can be nearly forty and still not be ready for things, or have the maturity level to be able to actually figure out what it is that you are wanting out of life. The experiences that you could have had up until that point don’t mean much if you can’t apply them to the rest of your life.

What do I do from here, or where am I to go? I don’t know. I guess only time will tell on that one. As my ex put it to me the other day, “He’s chasing someone else, you are chasing him, and I am chasing you. But who is chasing me? No one.” It seems like I am headed to that cycle soon myself.  ¶ 11/15/2006 10:52:00 AM