Friday's musings.... "The One That Got Away" – Natasha Bedingfield

Would you spare me a minute give me a single chance
To look in your eyes let me hold your hand
I want to get close enough to read you, understand you
Open up your heart open up your mind
Nobody needs another stalker in your life
I'm only here to help you learn to love me, to know me

[Chorus] I need a hook so you won't be the one that got away
I need a look that stuns you makes you want to stay
Don't want to speak in case it comes out wrong
Don't want to blink cause in that second you could be gone
I need a twist to help me turn, turn this story around
I need a bridge to cross this dangerous ground
Meet me in the middle like I want you to
I gotta find your heart to shoot my arrow through

Did you see me staring you caught my eye
Don't turn around don't walk away
The night is young can we get together
Got so many questions feelings I can't explain
We're worlds apart don't even know your name
I'm longing to give you my heart

[Chorus]

Turn around don't evaporate
Like you never came turn around
Don't be a ghost forever never there to haunt me
Sliding doors they aren't just on a train
We're alone on a platform in the rain
There's a chance and it won't come again
Turn around your whole life has changed

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is funny the feelings that can be dredged up by a song that you hear on the radio or while you are at work trying to focus on a Friday. The last few weeks have been pretty rough for me on an emotional level as I have been fighting the fire that exists within me, trying to keep it tempered with the water side of my persona. But lately that fire has started raging a little more out of control, burning away the water instead of being tamed by it.

Those close to me know the feelings that I have for a particular person, and I get varied advice from them in regards to what I should do. I know that he shares some of the feelings, but not to the levels that I experience them. And it isn’t something that has just sprung up overnight. It has years following behind them, and it has a tendency to make things a little hard.

We have our arguments and sometimes discussions regarding the situation, but I don’t know what to really believe these days with this situation. Lately, there has been no chance for any sort of discussion as he does not want to face what is going on. I know that he has been hurting because his best friend of six years has essentially kicked him to the curb. And he has been spending a lot more time with someone else as of late too. I know that I should not get jealous, but it is hard when I hear so much of what they do, or how often this guy comes by. I find out that they have their own discussions about the ‘time share’ and the guy is upset because he thinks that he doesn’t get as much as time as I do. I laugh some at that because he doesn’t realize that he has actually gotten a lot more time in with my friend, and he has been allowed the chance to cuddle with someone during the night while I have not.

This has made for very awkward situations and I have started to back away, even when I really didn’t want to. My friend has been there through a lot, and I know that he has tried to do what he can. But sometimes it just doesn’t feel like much. He tells me that my expectations are set too high. But he forgets at times that I expect a lot from those close to me because they ARE close to me. I have not loved someone like this in a very long time. Yes, I have loved people, but not to the point where it has caused me emotional anguish. I try not to push my expectations on him these days because he has not been available when I needed it. Instead I have turned back on myself again, not really feeling comfortable talking to people about the problems I have experienced, or just cut the emotion out from showing through physical means. I know that it shows in my eyes…those are always the hardest to shield from everyone else.

I have been told to just leave him behind and not think twice. I couldn’t do that because it would kill me. I have had two (ex) boyfriends die on me, and various friends; I am not sure I could handle another right now. I have been told to keep pushing for what I want and that he will eventually give in. But I don’t want to pressure him into anything. I want him to do it because he finally feels comfortable with it. But I know that he has more concerns about how the dynamics of his friendships with others would change, and he doesn’t think that they would survive his dating anyone, much less me. That is probably the part that kills me the most because he is so worried about the thoughts and opinions of others in that aspect.

So, instead, I sit at home, numb the pain in the ways that I know best and search for that day and way that things will go another way. I have chased a dead end it seems. Just one day I would like to get what I want instead of giving what others want all the time.

In the words of Wynonna…“In my life there's been heartache and pain/I don't know if I can face it again/I can't stop now, I've traveled so far/To change this lonely life/I want to know what love is/I want you to show me/I want to feel what love is/I know you can show me…”  ¶ 11/17/2006 06:48:00 AM