-His Holiness the Dalai Lama
Thank god, or whomever, that it is Wednesday and this week is almost over. Been dealing with bullshit on several sides and haven't been in the greatest mood all week. Add in the fact that I really haven't slept, and that really makes for being a bitch right now. Zach was able to get 11 hours of sleep last night...I so wish I could do that just one day. I just want several days where I can just do nothing...no worries, just bullshit. But, that doesn't ever seem to happen, so whatever.
Lately, I have been accused of using the word 'whatever' as a way of writing off what one tells me. That is not even the case. Well, most times. It is more of an "I'm tired of all the crap right now and get back to me when I really am actually going to give a shit." That probably isn't the best attitude to have at the moment, but I really can't help it. Because of everything this week, I have been in a devil-may-care, go-sit-on-a-log attitude. LOL Sad part? I know several people who would try to stick that log up their ass and make it fit. What has the world come to these days?
With all the frustrations I have been feeling lately, I need to find a nice outlet for release. I have Gamecube games, but no platform for them. I don't know anyone who would be willing to lend me a raquetball raquet and play with me...or at least remind me of the full rules and everything. I don't know anyone who has a soccer ball that I can kick around and pound into a wall somewhere. So...I feel a little lost.
I have yet again lost faith in men of my ilk, but, then again, why do I keep bothering to keep putting faith into people that really don't seem to care much. I have no clue. I am stopping that now. I have been fucked over so many times as of late that I am tired of it. Just another fun day in my life. Normally it really doesn't get this bad.
At least there is only one more day left for work for me this week and then maybe I can spend some time at the beach with some music and just fall asleep.......
I am open to the guidance of synchronicity, and do not let expectations hinder my path.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama
Sometimes one creates a dynamic impression by saying something and sometimes one creates as significant an impression by remaining silent. -His Holiness the Dalai Lama
Song of the Day
Real Life - Send Me an Angel (remix)
Do you believe in heaven above,
Do you believe in love?
Don't tell a lie
Don't be false or untrue
It all comes back to you
Open fire on my burning heart
I've never been lucky in love
My defenses are down
A kiss or a frown
I can't survive on my own
If a girl walks in
And carves her name in my heart
I'll turn and run away
Everyday we've all been led astray
It's hard to be lucky in love
It gets in your eyes
It's making you cry
Don't know what to do
Don't know what to do
Looking for love
Calling heaven above
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now right now
Empty dreams can only disappoint
In a room behind your smile
But don't give up don't give up
You can be lucky in love ¶ 4/26/2006 07:41:00 AM 1 comments
Friday saw me leaving work early with migraine-type issues. What did the doctor say about it? “Take some Tylenol and it will go away.” Hello, that is what I usually do. If the PA here at work wasn’t such a bitch I would see her and ask for more Maxalt. But she doesn’t feel comfortable following what our old PA did…she has to do it all for herself. What a damn pain in the ass it is. Sorry, if I wanted to go get fucked and experience pain, I would get fisted or slid a dick in completely dry. So, off to the drug store it was and pick up some Tylenol…good thing I needed it for my knees anyway. Managed to drop off my license plate from the old car, too, so that I could get that out of my trunk. Don’t know why I was so worried about it…the plate was expired and considered dead, anyway. There wasn’t anything that could have been done to me. Oh well…one less piece of metal to worry about in my belongings. If I am going to have metal, I better be wearing it!
Saturday morning saw me waking up late and heading off on the wonderful journey of Highway 87 to Fayetteville and the nomad’s land of the Army/Air Force battles. Actually, it wasn’t bad, although I was trying to navigate a side of the town that I had not been to in a long time…in drenching outpours of rain no less. But, I managed to make it to Zach’s with very few issues (only one turn around!) so I could meet the wife of his roommate. Yeah, we are not going there…I have a few choice words for her that would shock even my closest friends.
We decided that it was club night, so trek off to Alias it was. Well, actually, it was a first stop at his ‘crazy Canadian’s” house with some drinkage happening to old school music. Salt’n’Pepa…I honestly can say I have not heard that since I was in middle school…unless you want to count when Ellen performed the song at the end of her ‘Here and Now’ HBO performance. Was pretty cool. Started seeing Zach loosening up and becoming himself. Well, I had actually been seeing that all day, but, either way, it was nice. The club was a slightly different story.
Why is it that when a bunch of fags get together, there HAS to be a need for drama? Between an old friend of mine getting pissy at me and some Army brat wanting to start shit with Zach and another fella, I think we had enough to last for a bit. Despite all the drinking I had been doing that night at Coline’s and the club, I still managed to talk a couple people down, although my temper was getting ready to fly out in a damn flock of angry crows. My friends forget that they have not seen me fully pissed off…start fucking with a friend or loved one and you better make sure you have some good health insurance. I have learned from a past experience how to hurt someone, and I will defend all that is dear to me until my dying breath. It is a part of the whole ‘I will do anything for my friends’ syndrome I seem to suffer from many a time. But, in this case, the Army brat is going to end up on restriction; I can honestly say that is probably the least amount that should be done to him.
Watching my boy become his natural self over the course of the weekend sparked something that hasn’t seen the light of the sun in awhile. And I liked it. He told me that he thought I would run after that night…don’t think so. Of course, I really shouldn’t have let on to a couple of my sweet spots, but I couldn’t help that factor. LOL He did such a damn good job of it…and then kept teasing me all weekend, grabbing my nipples and twisting and pulling. Damn! Okay…think of cold thoughts….I gots some issues forming while I am here at work!
I have had someone ask me where this is going to go now. I don’t know. I would like to see further developments, but I am not rushing anything in the least bit. I have a lot going now, as does he. So one step at a time. And that is fine with me. Finding someone these days who doesn’t want to rush into things is almost impossible. But, maybe I have. Now I just have to deal with his older ‘brother’. I think I can do that with no problems, though. After all, he is dating my frat brother from a few years back. How they hooked up, I have no clue in the least.
Now, if I could just get rid of this headache I would be superiorly happy.
Wisdom is often times nearer when we stoop, than when we soar. ~ William Wordsworth
If you want to know what a man is really like, take notice how he acts when he loses money. ~ New England Proverb
It is better to wear out one's shoes than one's sheets. ~ Genoese Proverb
Buddhism has the characteristics of what would be expected in a cosmic religion for the future: it transcends a personal God, avoids dogmas and theology; it covers both the natural & spiritual, and it is based on a religious sense aspiring from the experience of all things, natural and spiritual, as a meaningful unity. ~ Albert Einstein
Destruction and violence always produce misery. It is time for the world to learn to transcend differences of race, culture, and ideology, and to regard one another through eyes which understand the human situation. ~ The Dalai Lama
Song of the moment: No Strings (Yeah, I am still thinking of the good times from this weekend) ¶ 4/24/2006 10:28:00 AM 0 comments
For the rest of us, here is the movie listing for the new releases…
NATIONWIDE
American Dreams - On the morning of his re-election, the President decides to read the newspaper for the first time in four years. This starts him down a slippery slope. He begins reading obsessively, reexamining his black and white view of the world, holing up in his bedroom in his pajamas. Frightened by the President's apparent nervous breakdown, his Chief of Staff pushes him back into the spotlight, booking him as a guest judge on the television ratings juggernaut (and the President's personal fave), the weekly talent show American Dreamz. America can't seem to get enough of American Dreamz, hosted by self-aggrandizing, self-loathing Martin Tweed, ever on the lookout for the next insta-celebrity. His latest crop of hopefuls includes Sally, a conniving steel magnolia with a devoted, dopey veteran boyfriend, and Omer, a recent Southern Californian immigrant (who just happens to be a bumbling, show tune singing, would-be terrorist awaiting activation). When both Sally and Omer make it to the final round of Dreamz--where the President will be judging along with Tweed--the stage is set for a show the nation will never forget. Starring Hugh Grant, Dennis Quaid, Chris Klein, Mandy Moore, William Defoe.
Friends With Money - As four women who have been friends all of their adult lives settle into early middle age, their friendship is increasingly challenged by the ever-growing disparity in their individual degrees of financial comfort. The three friends with money, Frannie, Jane and Christine, share a concern for Olivia who seems unable to make a living or sustain a relationship--at least by their standards. Their group examination of her lack of options magnifies each of their own doubts and concerns about the marriages and careers to which they have committed themselves. Olivia, meanwhile, drifts through each of her friends' lives, at times avoiding the issue of money altogether, and at other times accepting her friends' painful generosity. Ultimately, Olivia will find satisfaction and stability from an unexpected place, but her own somewhat happy ending is muted by the harsh reality of the suddenly disassembled lives of her best friends. Starring Jennifer Aniston, Joan Cusack, Frances McDormand, Catherine Keener, Jason Isaacs.
The Sentinel - Pete Garrison is a U.S. Secret Service agent who saved a president's life by jumping in front of a hail of bullets, over twenty years ago. Well-liked and respected by his colleagues, Garrison is a career agent who now heads the First Lady's detail. He lives in a high-level, orderly world of hierarchical structure, plans, maps, motorcades, code names, lingo and procedures. It's a universe that makes sense, until secrets begin to tear it apart. Pete's fellow agent and friend, Charlie Merriweather, hints at wanting to share critical and confidential information. Before that can happen, however, Merriweather is shot dead at his house in a crime that is made to look like a botched robbery. The investigation falls to the Secret Service's top investigative agent, David Breckinridge, a volatile combination of by-the-book and hothead, Garrison's protégé, and, until recently one of Garrison's best friends. Breckinridge follows the evidence and scrupulously tries to avoid working from his gut. Garrison, as perhaps the greatest protective agent in the service, often has to work from pure instinct. Garrison's and Breckinridge's recent falling out was triggered by Breckindrige's mistaken belief that Garrison was having an affair with Breckinridge's now ex-wife. Jill Marin, a tough, sassy and ambitious young agent who just graduated second in her class at the Secret Service Academy, arrives for her first field posting. She has requested a work detail with Breckinridge because Garrison, while leading a field instruction exercise at the Academy told Jill that Breckenridge was the best investigator in the entire Service. Together the trio begins to uncover what appears to be an inside job to assassinate the president--a traitor in the ranks of the Secret Service. It's never happened in the institution's 141-year history. Suspicion ultimately falls on Garrison, who's going to find it extremely difficult to clear his name because someone is framing him. Whoever is framing Garrison knows he's vulnerable because he's devoting considerable effort to hiding a monumental secret. Suspected of being treasonous, Garrison goes on the run, pursued by Breckinridge and Marin--his own colleagues--as he tries to nail the real mole and save the president's life. Starring Michael Douglas, Kiefer Sutherland, Kim Basinger, Eva Longoria, Conrad Coates.
Silent Hill - The eerie and deserted ghost town of Silent Hill draws a young mother desperate to find a cure for her only child's illness. Unable to accept the doctor's diagnosis that her daughter should be permanently institutionalized for psychiatric care, Rose flees with her child, heading for the abandoned town in search of answers--and ignoring the protests of her husband. It's soon clear this place is unlike anywhere she's ever been. It's smothered by fog, inhabited by a variety of strange beings and periodically overcome by a living 'darkness' that literally transforms everything it touches. As Rose searches for her little girl, she begins to learn the history of the strange town and realizes that her daughter is just a pawn in a larger game. Starring Radha Mitchell, Sean Bean, Laurie Holden, Deborah Kara Unger, Kim Coates.
LIMITED
Brick - In high school located in a modern-day Southern California neighborhood, Brendan Frye's piercing intelligence spares no one. Brendan is not afraid to back up his words with actions, and knows all the angles; yet he prefers to stay an outsider, and does--until the day that his ex-girlfriend, Emily, reaches out to him unexpectedly and then vanishes. Brendan's feelings for her still run deep; so much so, that he becomes consumed with finding his troubled inamorata. To find her, Brendan enlists the aid of his only true peer, The Brain, while keeping the assistant vice principal only occasionally informed of what quickly becomes a dangerous investigation. Brendan's single-minded unearthing of students' secrets thrusts him headlong into the colliding social orbits of rich-girl sophisticate Laura, intimidating Tugger, substance-abusing Dode, seductive Kara, jock Brad and--most ominously--non-student The Pin. It is only by gaining acceptance into The Pin's closely guarded inner circle of crime and punishment that Brendan will be able to uncover hard truths about himself, Emily and the suspects to whom he is getting closer. Starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Nora Zehetner, Noah Fleiss, Matt O’Leary, Noah Segan.
Somersault - Heidi is a sixteen-year-old Australian girl whose reckless sexuality gets her into trouble at home. Caught in a compromising situation by her mother, she takes to the road. In the snowy ski town of Lake Jindabyne, she meets Joe, a handsome farm owner's son to whom she is instantly attracted. For one thing, he is not an easy conquest; reserved and withholding, he flirts but keeps his distance. As their tenuous relationship deepens, it grows more conflicted, exposing their mutual insecurities and leading to near-disaster for both. Heidi--often manipulative and scarily impulsive--has the makings of a good person, but her character is put to the test. Starring Abbie Cornish, Sam Worthington, Lynette Curran, Erik Thompson, Nathaniel Dean.
Standing Still - A popular yet drunken actor reconnects with a group of his college friends for a wedding several years after graduation. Starring Amy Adams, Job Abrahams, Ethan Embry, Adam Garcia, Lauren German.
When Do We Eat? - On the night of the world's fastest Passover seder that is anything but, secrets will be revealed, fantasies fulfilled, barriers broken down and some food might be consumed. A tough-love dad has to deal with hosting his father who never unpacks, his wife, who is intent on creating the perfect Seder, and his children who go out of their way to make the night an adventure. When one of the kids slips Dad a tab of special psychedelic Ecstasy, his visions turn him into a modern day Moses intent on leading this hungry group to the promised land of family forgiveness. Of course they're all so stubborn, it would be easier to part the Red Sea. Starring Lesley Ann Warren, Michael Lerner, Max Greenfield, Shiri Appleby, Ben Feldman.
Movie information courtesy of Movietickets.com. Order your tickets ahead so you don’t have to wait in line! (No, that was not an ad for them. I just love using them because opening nights around here can be a bitch!)
I know that Silent Hill and probably The Sentinel are on my list; American Dreams looks like it would be a cute comedy to brighten a slow week. So, grab some friends, pool your change and grab the big popcorn…it is time to hit the movies! This summer is supposed to be pretty promising on some good movie releases! But, then again, don’t they always say that?
Have a great weekend and if you find any obscure movies that you find interesting, pass them my way!
Let us dig our gardens and not be elsewhere:
Let us take long walks in the open air...
Let us bathe in the rivers and lakes...
Let us indulge in games...
Let us be more simple: simple and true in our minds above all. Let us be ourselves.
-Robert Linssen
Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which, in prosperous circumstances, would have lain dormant. ~ Horace (65-8 BC) Roman Poet
If you're never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances. ~ Julia Sorel 1926-
Reconciliation is to understand both sides; to go to one side and describe the suffering being endured by the other side, and then go to the other side and describe the suffering being endured by the first side. ~ Thich Nhat Hahn
If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it! ~ Jonathan Winters
As far as your personal requirements are concerned, the ideal is to have fewer involvements, fewer obligations, and fewer affairs, business or whatever. However, so far as the interest of the larger community is concerned, you must have as many involvements as possible and as many activities as possible. ~ the Dalai Lama ¶ 4/21/2006 04:40:00 AM 0 comments
Not much really to report after my long one yesterday.
Last night saw me helping JC with the fountain/fish pond that his landlords had put in the back yard. The way they had it set up originally was kinda crappy looking and really getting on my nerves. There was no thought or anything to it, nor was it put together very well. So, I thought that since he was having a birthday party at the end of the month and we would be outside most of the time, it would nice to spruce the pond up some. I mean, if he is taking the time to work on the deck and house to get it all looking nice for the guests, why not do a little with the yard too. So, Monday night we trekked out to Lowe’s to pick up a pump, filter and tubing to make it nice. Tuesday night: time to get dirty! Got started around 530, break for dinner and to pick up a shovel, finished about 9pm.
I have this thing with my projects that I must do them to my full satisfaction. I wasn’t going to just have a portion of the pond sitting out fully exposed. I had to sink it a little (mainly because there wasn’t enough stone to fully cover the sides) and get it evened out so the waterfall worked decently. JC laughed at me because I was being so serious about it and a little frustrated when the waterfall didn’t come out just right. But, I can’t help it. I was in my natural element with this project, and, honestly, was enjoying getting dirty. True, the pond could have been cleaned out a little bit from the algae, but, I think it will be okay. The filter is set up, the fountain works perfect for the recycle flow, and the waterfall looks decent. And I managed to set the stone up around the base so it looks decent. Judge for yourself. Now I am just ready to have a place where I can have my own little fish pond/water feature. Hello, I am Pisces and love to have water near me!
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So give me a dry hump and go on your way…the weekend is almost here!
“The roots of all goodness lie in the soil of appreciation for goodness.” ~ The Dalai Lama
“Although gold dust is precious, when it gets in your eyes, it obstructs your vision.” ~ Hsi-Tang ¶ 4/19/2006 04:29:00 AM 0 comments
Recap of last week: Argued with the old roommate but did finally come to a pretty decent agreement. I managed to not pull all my hair out from the frustrations with trying to get this school stuff figured out. Wednesday saw an email arriving from my mom saying that my great-uncle had passed away earlier that week. Thursday saw more rain pouring down as confirmation came through that the former Sheriff of Pender County (and the former boss/close friend to a lot of people) lost his battle to pancreatic cancer and passed away on Wednesday. And then I talked to my mom Saturday night while I had a bunch of fags in my apartment and found out that my great-aunt had had a heart attack and was in the hospital and not looking the greatest.
I know that death is a natural part of life and really don’t fear it. Hell, I sat and watched Darrell die slowly before the complications arose. I can deal with that. But I have such a sensitive psyche that I feel the pain from everyone else and can’t shut it out completely. That is the part that I never fully mastered. I have been to a total of five funerals now. When I was a kid, I went to my mom’s aunt’s funeral up in NYC and got to see the gothic look of some of the graveyards then. For some reason I was captivated. Mom refused me the right to go to a school friend’s funeral when I was in high school…Michelle had been killed on Interstate 40 right outside of Raleigh. Mom felt that it was not right for me to go to it. I felt differently, however, and dealt with that hard. Michelle had been one of the few people in high school who had actually accepted me for the person that I was and one of five who actually knew about my sexuality before I finally decided that living a lie was not for me anymore.
Four years ago, an officer was killed in the line of duty while I was working at Pender County Sheriff’s Office, so I attended that funeral…and was nearly blocked from that one. Less than a year later, Matt’s Me-Maw passed away and I went with him for emotional support. And went to Jill’s mom’s funeral where I finally could not hold back and actually lost it. That was probably the roughest funeral I have dealt with so far.
Matt was shocked that I was going to the Sheriff’s funeral, much less going alone. It was something that I had to do for myself. And, for me, it served a triple purpose. My great-uncle was cremated with no ceremony and I have strong feelings that I will not be able to attend my great-aunt’s. And when Grandma passed away a couple of years ago, I had not been privy to that information and, thus, was not able to attend. So this kinda served a purpose for all, and a sort of redemption. I know that you don’t have to attend a service to remember someone and the good they have done. But, somehow, it just doesn’t seem right to not be able to formally remember the person…to recognize them for what they were. I walked away from the service yesterday with only some slight shaking and the strong desire to wash after being in a church. (I have a thing about that since so many people have tried to change me and shove their teachings down my throat. The older churches don’t have that affect on me, but a lot of the newer ones do…but my close friend has clarified that I am not as much a heathen as many would like to think. Just different.)But, back to the three day weekend that I was able to enjoy somewhat.
Friday saw me actually being somewhat productive. Managed to do my laundry and get my car washed, if not vacuumed. And then I played in JC’s fish pond and cleaned that up a bit…disturbing a frog in the process. I am going to see if I can’t get it up and running before his birthday party next weekend so he has a nice little water feature that works right, finally. There is a large hole near the back corner of the property that would be a great pond, but he doesn’t want to invest that much time into it right now, so I will have to be satisfied with what I can play in right now. *smile* Dinner at a friend’s house helped round out the evening before relaxing with a beer and watching THE CAVE.
Saturday was a busy day also. After grabbing JC and his car (cops are such fools sometimes) and a bite to eat downtown, it was off to run errands and wait for an old friend to call me. Forgot that he was having company. Whoops! Well, we all ended up down at the beach…weather was so nice. Started off with six gay guys and one questionable until our little marine friend called and wanted to show up with the navy boys in tow. Now, Mr. Marine is a really sweet kid, but sometimes I really have to wonder since he doesn’t always use his head. It turned into drama as the night went on, and I was very happy that I didn’t go down to the club and be pissed off. I just ended up pissed off when he got back from the club. My friends from Norfolk ended up keeping me company since I couldn’t sleep…I had a strong feeling that the marine would be trashed badly (his last weekend in North Caroline and he wanted to go out with a bang) and I would be the babysitter. I was not wrong in the least bit…sat up most of the night with him passed out on my bathroom floor after he was carried up the stairs.
I have a lot of patience, but not for drama or for people who want to act stupid. For such a cool kid in his sober hours, he is a complete jerk and ass when drunk. But, what can you do? I have a lot of respect for the guys in uniform, whether it is military or police. But, just because a person wears a uniform most of the day, it does not give them the right to arrogance or the sense of invulnerability. And this kid has both in abundance. One of these days he will learn the truth to life…of that I am definitely certain. But, until then, I guess he is going to live it up the way he knows how….sex and booze. Sounds like the story of some punk rocker.
But the best part of the weekend comes in two parts. Outside of being able to spend time with friends and get distracted from the drama of the week, I was able to see someone that I have not seen or talked to since last summer. I really did miss hanging out with him and am hoping that this will be a new beginning. Just one question, QYB: Why did you have to go and start dating my old frat brother?! LOL
The other part was the introduction to someone new. An Air Force fella currently stationed up in Fayetteville. Don’t let me go up there during the week, though! Don’t need to run into dad and explain why I am in town. LOL But the last few days has seen us talking quite a bit…time to see where things may end up leading to. It was funny Sunday night, though…he asked if it felt like we had known each other for a long time and were just getting caught up on missed time. I had to laugh, but, at the same time, agree with him. It was very odd but comforting at the same time. Only time will tell where things might end up leading with everything.So, now I sit at work and wonder what is going on with my great-aunt, and try to just focus on the things going on right now. See where work leads me, focus on the good things of life…my friends who surround me now and lend me their strength when I don’t have any left in my bones. For that, I guess I am definitely grateful. Just don’t ask me to admit it.
“Being defeated is often only a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.” ~ Marilyn vos Savant 1946-NA
So here’s to refusing to be defeated and staying strong in the face of adversity and obstruction. Now, who has the vodka; my glass is empty and I need a refill.
Words of Wisdom
Clear mind is like the full moon in the sky. Sometimes clouds come and cover it, but the moon is always behind them. Clouds go away, then the moon shines brightly. So don't worry about clear mind: it is always there. When thinking comes, behind it is clear mind. When thinking goes, there is only clear mind. Thinking comes and goes, comes and goes, You must not be attached to the coming or the going. ~ Zen Master Seung Sahn
An army of sheep led by a lion would defeat an army of lions led by a sheep. ~ Arab proverb
A flower falls, even though we love it; and a weed grows, even though we do not love it. ~ Dogen
If you live the sacred and despise the ordinary, you are still bobbing in the ocean of delusion. ~ Lin-Chi
Nothing lowers the level of conversation more than raising the voice. ~ Stanley Horowitz
People in the West are always getting ready to live. ~ Chinese Proverb
The manner in which it is given is worth more than the gift. ~Pierre Corneille (1606-1684) French Playwright
Wisdom from the Dalai Lama
“We have genuine friendship when it is based on true human feeling, a feeling of closeness in which there is a sense of sharing and connectedness. I would call this type of friendship genuine because it is not affected by the increase or decrease of the individual’s wealth, status or power. The factor that sustains that friendship is whether or not the two people have mutual feelings of love and affection.”
“In the present circumstances, no one can afford to assume that someone else will solve their problems. Every individual has a responsibility to help guide our global family in the right direction. Good wishes are not sufficient; we must become actively engaged.”
“When I doubt that I exist, I pinch myself. Even if our knowledge of the world and of ourselves is illusory, a “not-born” a “not-become” exists. Without it we wouldn’t exist. But we exist in a way that is at once relative (to the activity of our mind) and conditioned (by all other existences).”
“Love and kindness are the very basis of society. If we lose these feelings, society will face tremendous difficulties; the survival of humanity will be endangered.” ¶ 4/18/2006 04:55:00 AM 0 comments
No arrangements have been announced as of yet.
He will be missed. ¶ 4/13/2006 10:23:00 AM 0 comments
This Thursday is special, though. It means that tomorrow is the official start of the weekend. Due to Easter, my company gives us a ‘Spring Holiday’ which means three days off to finally relax. Or hopefully. Some folks still are coming in to work, but that is their choice. It is supposed to be nice out, so I am hoping to possibly get some sun in here or there. Depending on how windy it might be down at the beach. Or, maybe I will just lay out in my friend’s backyard and let his dog roam around all day outside in the fresh air. Sprawl out on a blanket in just some tight little shorts…getting tan and falling asleep in the sun. *Sigh* (Wake up, Aiden…no time to day-dream right now)
And it has been another week from hell. Or just about. I think I already discussed what I need to do for the school. Which isn’t really bad in its own way. My mom is very shocked that I have done this much work in finding out information on what I need to perform/complete in order to become an official member of the student ranks again. She expressed how proud she was of me, too. That actually made me feel good since I haven’t really heard that from her in a very long time. Okay, why am I concerned about her opinion of me, after all these years of saying my parents can go screw themselves if they don’t like me or what I do, I have no clue. Probably because it taps into that whole little thing kids have going on inside of them saying “I want my parents to like me and be proud of me.” I might not have blood ties to them, but they are still what I knew of a parental figure for the last 25 years, so it that feeling grows within me still.
But, while she is telling me how proud she is, she is also dropping a bombshell on me. Turns out my great uncle passed away within the last few days (I am going to assume Monday since news travel slowly through that side of the family…normally around a day late which puts it to two days by the time it reaches me). This was a great shock to all of us because he was in such great physical shape…he was just mentally unstable. His wife, my dad’s aunt, is in great mental shape, but not physically. (On a side note, she is also the last member of my dad’s mom family alive of which I am fully aware.) So, right now I am trying to decide if I am ready to brave another funeral and trek up to New Jersey. I have not seen that side of the family in a very long time…probably not since I was at least 12 years old. I am sure that my mom has kept everyone informed on my activities, but I am never sure the full extent of what is passed around. Not to mention that I would have to get used to being called by my own name. I have not responded to that since I was 15!
There was also other drama on Wednesday, but I don’t think I will digress into that stuff. Let me just say that I agreements were made, though, between me and my old roommate, so we shall see what the future holds for our friendship and everything else.
“Some people say I have attitude - maybe I do. But I think you have to. You have to believe in yourself when no one else does - that makes you a winner right there.” ~ Venus Williams, US tennis champion
So raise your glass high and make a toast to life and the finer things around. Know that you have friends and family all around you, even when the times get tough. I know that times get tough for all of us and we just need to do the best that we can.
Here is your movie listing for new releases this weekend:
NATIONWIDE
Scary Movie 4
The Wild
LIMITED RELEASE
Hard Candy
Humko Deewana Kar Gaye
Kinky Boots
La Mujer de Mi Hermano
Mountain Patrol: Kekexili
My First Wedding
The Notorious Bette Paige
Preaching to the Choir
The Sisters
And the movie of interest coming out soon: SILENT HILL, release April 21st.
Have a great weekend!
WORDS OF WISDOM
When you do something, you should burn yourself completely, like a good bonfire, leaving no trace of yourself.
-Shunryu Suzuki
Genuine security arises from actual, first-hand knowledge that one is both capable and worthy of achieving happiness (through conscious, responsible action) and, once having attained it, that he deserves it.
-Michael J. Hurd, American Motivational Speaker
Since everything is but an apparition, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.
-Longchenpa (14th century Tibet)
From long familiarity, we know what honor is. It is what enables the individual to do right in the face of complacency and cowardice. It is what enables the soldier to die alone, the political prisoner to resist, the singer to sing her song, hardly appreciated, on a side street.
-Mark Helprin, American Novelist and Writer
WORDS OF THE DALAI LAMA
Within oneself, within each single person, one finds many inconsistencies and contradictions. Sometimes the disparity between one’s thoughts early and late in the day is so great that one spends all one’s energy trying to figure out how it can be resolved. This can lead to headaches. So naturally, between two persons, between parents and children, between brothers and sisters, there are differences. Conflicts and disagreements are bound to happen. If so, then how do we deal with them? If we have confidence in our capacity for reconciliation then we will be able to deal with these situations.
A good mind, a good heart, warm feelings – these are the most important things.
Feelings of anger, bitterness, and hate are negative. If I kept those inside of me they would spoil my body and my health. They are of no use. ¶ 4/13/2006 05:53:00 AM 0 comments
When things happen in a person’s life, they tend to happen either pretty fast or all at one time. And I don’t like that in the least bit. I tend to muddle my way through life enough; I prefer not to have other shit going on at one time.
Had a discussion with a friend of mine last night regarding the past few weekends out at the club and my resultant condition afterwards. It had been a VERY long time since I had actually gone out on any regular basis, and, as a result, I don’t recover in the normal three hour time period. I say three hours because that is my typical sleeping habit. LOL Of course, if you sleep that much every night, week after week, month after month, year after year, your body pretty much wants to go on a major shutdown anyway. I have experienced that several times around…usually at least once a year or so. But, I keep on pushing and prodding my body to go to its extremes because I don’t allow myself anything less.
Now, that is probably not the greatest thing for me. Last time my body decided it wanted to shut down, I was throwing up in someone else’s bathroom and passed out on his couch for several hours before heading home. And I was right back at work the next day, pushing my body to keep on moving. It is nice to sit on your ass at work all the time, but there are times when you would rather be doing something else. Ya know?
So, this past weekend is the first weekend that I was seen out at the club two nights in a row. But, I figured after the bullshit that started going on in the last two weeks, I was very deservant of a good time. Friday night saw me get really rough. I don’t remember making it from the porcelain god to the soft lover. But, I had a good time for most of it and got to flirt with several people. Closed the club down on Saturday night and was still wide awake until about six in the morning. I was actually kicking people OUT of my place. No real after-party…just a chill out and have a few more drinks type of thing. Of course, I was really mellow on Sunday. But, isn’t that was Sundays are for? To just be mellow and relax and recover from whatever it was you did over the past few nights? I was told that I was no fun and a certain person was going to avoid being around me if I was like that all the time.
As time goes on, that part might change. I just don’t feel like I need to be upbeat all the time…I can just chill and let my hair down. I got a little yelled at as well because I was fully civil to someone on the phone, but not as sweet to someone else. Well, the someone else has been a close friend of mine forever (or at least it feels that way) and our relationship is supposed to be where I don’t have to keep up the aires around him all the time. The façade should be allowed to come down sometimes. And, yes, I will admit this. I do keep a façade up around some people. I act myself about 99% of the time – the kind, caring, nurturing person – but there are a few times when I have to place up something that is a bit more than the usual. The times that I really don’t feel like talking to people; the times when things are bugging me to no end; those are the times that I really need to put a façade in place and act like there is nothing wrong. And I have done that through all of my life. It becomes a second nature to not allow people to know that things are wrong. Lately, there have been some cracks in the foundations and the outer limits of the shell have crumbled. But, I crawled back in deeper over the weekend and started pushing people away. Concerns were expressed to me by a friend about the recent activities over the last few weeks; concerns that I only allow from either a parent or the person that I am calling my partner/lover. It is not that I don’t appreciate them…but, as a friend, you have limits on how far you can express it. And once you state that you don’t want to go on a certain route, you lose some privilege there.
Is that the best way to live my life? Probably not. But, I am of the opinion that there are levels of concerns that are appropriate for different levels in life. I need to place boundaries on things because I tend to grow really close to all of my friends, having done things for them that I probably would not do otherwise. And, yes, that has included sex. I like to be there for my friends. The last couple of years has been solid proof of that. But, if I don’t draw the boundaries, how are they supposed to be erected when I start becoming fully committed to someone again? How can I tell someone who has been in to the inner depths of my hell that they must be shown the way back to the outer rings of Hades because someone else has the privilege of now resting by my side? It doesn’t happen very easily. And it is funny because I see this with two friends of mine…one expresses that he doesn’t love the other guy (at least not in that sense), but he gets jealous on a lot of counts when it comes to other people in someone else’s life.So, I keep on working, looking for the respect to give to someone while getting it myself. The journeys along this rocky road we call life are what will make us stronger and build us into the people we are today. That is all that I can start asking these days.
Songs
Mary J. Blige – “Good Woman Down” and “MJB da MVP”
P!nk – “Nobody Knows”
Words of Wisdom
Be soft in your practice. Think of the method as a fine silvery stream, not a raging waterfall. Follow the stream, have faith in its course. It will go its own way, meandering here, trickling there. It will find the grooves, the cracks, the crevices. Just follow it. Never let it out of your sight. It will take you....
Virtue means doing the right thing, in relation to the right person, at the right time, to the right extent, in the right manner, and for the right purpose. Thus, to give money away is quite a simple task, but for the act to be virtuous, the donor must give to the right person, for the right purpose, in the right amount, in the right manner, and at the right time.
Aristotle
Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.
Epictetus (55-135 AD) Greek Philosopher
There is a sense of exhilaration that comes from facing head-on the hard truths and saying, "We will never give up. We will never capitulate. It might take a long time, but we will find a way to prevail."
Jim Collins, from his book, Good to Great
From the Dalai Lama:
Anger is like the ultimate troublemaker. I feel you can express a stong disapproval or dislike of an object without losing your temper.
If people everywhere are not allowed to strive for the happiness they instinctively want, then they will be dissatisfied and will make problems for everyone. Unless we can create an atmosphere of genuine cooperation – cooperation not gained by threat or force but by heartfelt understanding – life will become ever more difficult. If we can satisfy people at a heart level, peace will ensue. Without the basis of coexistence, if undesirable social, political, and cultural forms continue to be imposed upon people, peace becomes difficult.
What you think upon grows… ¶ 4/11/2006 04:09:00 AM 0 comments
Got into an argument with my old roommate last night because I was irritable with the stuff going on at work. Considering that he is also my ex-boyfriend and has lived with me for pretty much three and half of the last four years, he should know how I work with things. I get irritated, stay in a bitchy mood for a few days depending the situation (in this case, my hands are tied on what I can do), and then I go back to the façade that everything is okay. My close friends know that when I get upset about something, I usually tend to stick to myself so as not to take anything out on others. I have a bad habit of that. The fact that I actually told him what was going on is a first in a very long time. But, he also started getting on me about what I had as a proposed solution. He feels that it is a bad idea, but I know that it can’t cause too much harm because things have already situated pretty well between me and this other person. There is past, but we are at a good point now. There is no guarantee that it will happen anyway, so whatever. It is my life and I have to live it for the ways that I am going to see fit. Advise is appreciated; dictation of my life is not. I have always been that way…my mom learned that the hard way, especially when she was pretty much kicked out of it (that was for various reasons, though). So, I am going back and forth between giving him the apartment keys or keeping them. Right now I have them to help him out with the dog since he is working two jobs and can’t always make it back to let the dog out. I will see how I feel tomorrow morning when I see him briefly.
Since I won’t be on Friday morning most likely, I am going to go ahead and post the newest releases. I think I had jumped the gun a week or two ago and posted for the wrong movies…sorry! Things had been a tad hectic with trying to get everything put together for the move.
Nationwide
The Benchwarmers
Lucky Number Sleven
Phat Girlz
Take the Lead
Limited
Banaras: A Mystic Love Story
Brick
Shaadi Se Pehle
If anyone is in Wilmington, North Carolina, this weekend, check out the Azalea Festival. It actually started last night (Apr. 5th), but it will be going on through the end of Sunday. Yesterday was the Queen’s coronation for the Festival, plus a concert by Carrie Underwood over at UNCW. This Saturday, Patti LaBelle will be performing at UNCW. Saturday night will see my ass at the dance club, Ibiza, hopefully having a good time. If you see me there, say hi! Most likely I will have my shirt off with tats and nipple rings showing to the world. Gotta have fun somehow!
Have a great weekend, folks….I will talk to you later!
Words of Wisdom
The purpose of our lives is to be happy. ~ Dalai Lama
Ride your horse along the edge of a sword; hide yourself in the middle of flames… ~ Unknown (I have absolutely no clue what that is supposed to me…any ideas?) ¶ 4/06/2006 05:44:00 AM 0 comments
At least today is a bit easier. I didn’t have to dress up for work…dress down day for three bucks and having to walk around with a sticker on you saying ‘The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society Team in Training’. I also have a little baby blue ribbon pinned to my shorts because today is Fight For Life. Printed out my letters, visited the blood bank and got turned away, but did manage to leave my letter to be sent in to the feds about changing their policies with accepting blood from men who have had sex with other men. Can’t really say gay men since there are a lot of bisexual men and others who express some curiosity.
The other thing that has had me smiling is the fact that my friend got me P!nk’s newest CD last night while at Target. Now I get to listen to ‘Stupid Girls’ and ‘U+Ur Hand’ whenever I want. Plus, it is the dual disc, so I have DVD on the other side with the video and some other special clips! I so want to see her in concert the next time she tours through the US. Or maybe I should travel over to Europe and catch it there. Her European tour is coming out on DVD sometime soon…yet another thing to add to my collection!
I am not fully sure why things have hit me now in regards to how I feel with work and everything else. I mean, I know that I have felt this way with the job now for almost three years, but I made it work to the best of my ability…faking my way through everything with the skill of a woman having an orgasm. *Nasty thought* I have never really talked about it with anyone before, which is probably why my closest friends were seriously shocked when they had finally heard about it. I even got a little chewed out over it from a friend, and my solitude on things. Can’t help it. One of my coworkers plugged my birth date, time and location into some database to see what exactly was said about Pisces. Here is what she pulled back:
Sun in Pisces, Moon in Libra
This astrological combination indicates heightened inspirational and spiritual tendencies. Your mind and feelings are refined, and you seem to be a mild, benevolent individual. Because of your acute perceptions and reliable judgment, you have a capacity for assessing situations in their true light. Among friends and associates you are able to make your sensitive, intangible traits more substantial. Your fluidity of character takes on definite form in society, and perhaps for this reason you shun solitude. You will, therefore, seek marriage, partnerships, and associations. Your most conscious aim throughout life is always to find and express sympathy and human understanding. You dream of universal communion inspired by a poetical nature. The artistic sensibility - a receptivity to all things in the cosmos - is deep within your nature. The key to a more harmonious existence lies in becoming more determined and concentrating your efforts more closely.
I am sure that I would be that way normally, but my life experiences since I was a kid have molded me into some different. I don’t shun solitude, but I don’t seek it out either. The best way I put it to my friend was this:
‘I just feel broken down right now. Not really sure where to go or what to do anymore. You could have come by last night...maybe I would have slept some. It is okay. Join the club, though...no one seems to know how to respond to me since I am such a caring person but so aloof at the same time.’
His response:
‘You're right. :-p . . . You don't want to be coddled . . . but you want to be cuddled . . . You don't want to be needy . . . but you don't want to be alone. Damn, you . . . don't you realize that I'm not going judge you by your moments of vulnerability. I look at the entire you . . . warts and all . . . and it's a great package. There's no way to have only the good. So, you just accept the less positive things as a by-product of all of the really good things that you have going for you.
‘If you just want someone around to break the monotony, let me know. If you want someone to hold you, just say so. The fact that I may not be there every moment doesn't mean that I don't care or won't be there when I can.’
It is just remembering that fact that is the hard part. He did his best last night, though, to make sure I was going to be okay and keep me cheered up part of the time.
Another friend, one of the guys that I have been talking to, has also helped me feel a little bit better. He has kinda gotten to know me, but still hasn’t learned a lot of what I am about. That part is always hard for me to let go to others. But he has given me the impression that he understands some of what I am going through and is allowing my time to get things into order. He now sees why I am not rushing into things with anyone…and neither is he. Some of my other friends don’t always seem to understand that part very well. They are used to me being a part of someone else…the ‘Ian/Aiden and whomever’ party. Seeing me on my own is still a shock, especially since it has been for nearly two years now. Funny how the time of my longest relationships is the same amount of time of my being single now. Wonder if there is anything to that.
Once I get done with a few things on Friday, I am going to try to make a stop by the college here in town (if I have enough time) and talk to an admissions officer about courses. Since UNCW doesn’t have a graphic design program, I have decided that I am going to go for a BA in Studio Art and then end up elsewhere to major in the graphic design. Hopefully that will get me to where I would like to go. Hopefully. I know that my mom will be happy with that one. Follow in her footsteps so to speak. Plus, it is a state school and she will be able to afford it better. Yes, I am actually going to let my parents help with this one. Go figure. Guess it is time to let them into the life a little more again.
So, enough of my little rambling today. Just going to include a few more quotes that I have liked and wrap it up for the day I think.
Oh…if you are really interested in knowing this: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN released on DVD yesterday (April 4th). Target has an exclusive deal right now where you can buy the DVD and receive inside a CD recording of the original short story. And for only seventeen bucks. Not a bad deal, if I might say so myself. I figure I will buy copy this weekend or borrow it from a friend of mine.
Anyway…have a good day!
Words of Wisdom from the Dalai Lama
There are three types of joyous effort:
1) armorlike joyous effort;
2) joyous effort in gathering virtues; and
3) joyous effort in working for others.
The main obstacles to the development of these efforts are the different levels of laziness – primarily the laziness of procrastination, and the laziness stemming from indolence and from a sense of inferiority.
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.
When people get angry they lose all sense of happiness. Even if they are good-looking and normally peaceful, their faces turn livid and ugly. Anger upsets their physical well-being and disturbs their rest; it destroys their appetites and makes them age prematurely. Happiness, peace, and sleep evade them, and they no longer appreciate people who have helped them and deserve their trust and gratitude.
If the mind is dominated by hatred, the best part of the brain, which is used to judge right and wrong, does not function properly.
It is not enough to be compassionate. You must act. There are two aspects to action. One is to overcome the distortions and afflictions of your own mind, that is, in terms of calming and eventually dispelling anger. This is action out of compassion. The other is more social, more public. When something needs to be done in the world to rectify the wrongs, if one is really concerned with benefiting others, one needs to be engaged, involved.
Be kind whenever possible…It is always possible.
There are two types of competitive behavior. One is a sense of competition because you want to be at the top. You create obstacles and harm someone. That competition is negative. But there is a positive kind of competition which benefits the individual, the competitors, and the economy. Let your competitors also grow, without any sense of harming them.
To remain discouraged is not the way of a human being, we are not birds and animals, so it is not enough for us to simply lament and complain but we should use our intelligence and work hard.
Other Words of Wisdom
Unswerving loyalty to duty, constant devotion to truth, and a clear conscience will overcome every discouragement and surely lead the way to usefulness and high achievement.
Grover Cleveland
Those who turn good (organizations) into great (organizations) are motivated by a deep creative urge and an inner compulsion for sheer unadulterated excellence for its own sake.
Jim Collins, author
Newest songs
Off P!nk’s newest album, I’m Not Dead:
“Long Way to Happy”
“I’m not Dead”
“Cuz I Can
“Leave Me Alone (I’m Lonely)”
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"Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth."
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Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Sherry Rothfield
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"Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it."
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Externally keep yourself away from all relationships, and internally have no pantings in your heart; when your mind is like unto a straight-standing wall, you may enter into the Path.
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Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Ingrid Bergman
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Just think of the trees: they let the birds perch and fly, with no intention to call them when they come and no longing for their return when they fly away. If people's hearts can be like the trees, they will not be off the Way.
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There is work that is work and there is play that is play; there is play that is work and work that is play. And in only one of these lie happiness.
Gelett Burgess
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For me it is sufficient to have a corner by my hearth, a book and a friend, and a nap undisturbed by creditors or grief.
Fernandez de Andrada
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Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.
Robert Brault
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Happiness is often the result of being too busy to be miserable.
unknown
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Happiness is essentially a state of going somewhere, wholeheartedly, one-directionally, without regret or reservation.
William H. Sheldon
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I believe the recipe for happiness to be just enough money to pay the monthly bills you acquire, a little surplus to give you confidence, a little too much work each day, enthusiasm for your work, a substantial share of good health, a couple of real friends and a wife and children to share life's beauty with you.
J. Kenfield Morley (I think this can be adapted to also include a husband) ¶ 4/04/2006 06:22:00 AM 0 comments
Yeah, I know…it has been a full week since I was on last. I ended up taking most of the week off to recover from moving and also because it is the beginning of the sinus season. I always get hit hard at the start of things…kinda like getting fcuked for the first time in a few days. That sense of pressure and pain when it first goes in before you get used to it again and feel pleasure. This year I got hit really hard though; probably because I was half worn down and vulnerable. Fortunately no serious ear infection this time around…I am still taking my antibiotics just to be safe and to kill the rest of my sinus infection. I would rather be safe than sorry.
I think it has become official…I am done with my job. I had my times through the last two and a half years that I could tolerate it with some decency, but I really never did like it. There is no challenge for me, no diversity in everything that is done. No opportunity for me to apply my skills and knowledge. And I know from experience that, when this happens, everything is going to start suffering very soon. That will not be a very good thing. I need something that will challenge me a bit…something that can keep me busy. Something that can keep me out of trouble. I came back from being out last week to find out that IT had been on my computer removing programs, most of which they had told me to place on there because they couldn’t figure out what was going on with it. And now I find out that my computer has been placed under observation for too much downloading, etc. Can we make up our fcuking minds here, please? I have dealt with nothing but bullshit from day one and I am starting to get tired of it. No worries…I am not going to make any rash decisions. I will stick with this until I find another job, but it is going to be a strain to keep a happy face all the time. This is why I got yelled at for my attitude at work before. Sorry…can’t help that I am able to pick things up within the first fifteen minutes of working with a database or study and other people need three weeks.
The apartment is nice. I had it fully set up within three days from moving in. No one knows that I had just moved in there at all. And, so far, I have managed to keep it pretty clean. I am very impressed with myself. The bar top is a slight mess, but that is where I drop stuff off when I get home from work. The only place I can remember to pick everything up when I am heading out the door…keys, wallet, book for when I get bored at the second job. Still no word, though, on when the orgies and porn videos will be starting. Don’t worry, I will post the date once I have it all figured out.
Haven’t really spent much time with anyone these days. Not really caring too, honestly. I know that is a bad thing, but right now I am just in an irritable mood that I don’t really seem to care much on it. I mean, I did spend a little time with Will on Friday and Saturday; saw Chris and hung with that entire crew Saturday night and Sunday morning. Had a few guests over the week and weekend seeing the new place. But have not really cared to cuddle with anyone or anything like that. It is funny. I want to find a boyfriend, but I am not wanting to rush into anything. Most guys around here seem to be looking to get that serious involvement from almost the get go. No more “let’s get to know each other first” type of thing. Will asked me if I was sure I still wanted to be at the ‘we’re talking’ stage. Yeah, I think that is the best thing for me. I haven’t had the eleven years that one of my friends has had, but that would have me dating someone from the time I was fourteen. Somehow, I don’t think that would have worked too well, given all my moving and everything. But I have been through enough to know that I don’t need to rush into anything major. I watched my first true love die from complications with HIV/AIDS. I was married at the young age of nineteen to a guy. My last relationship was two years long as well. I have been single now for two years. It is nice because it allows me to do what I like. But, at the same time, I do want to find that person that I can spend those years with. I am tired of flings, random sex…not that I have that much. Anyone that I have had sex with recently has always been close friends or people I have had a fling with during the last few years. So random sex is a rarity for me. Although it probably would be a nice change. But, then again, would it place me back at the levels from which I ascended since leaving my parents at the ripe age of seventeen? I don’t know. But, at the same time, does it matter much anymore? I mean, I have had more sex partners than anyone that I know. Oh well…
I guess it is coming down to I need to start re-evaluating things again. Where am I going with my life? Where do I want to take things with relationships? Who do I want to go further with? I have several guys talking to me, wanting to go to a next level. And they are all nice guys, but I am not thinking that too many of them are actually going to be good for a ‘next step’ thing.
Where am I going from here? I guess only time will tell right now.
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