1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
4. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
5. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
6. Giggling.
7. The beach.
8. Laughing at yourself.
9. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you
10. Running through sprinklers.
11. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
12. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
13. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS
14. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
15. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
16. Playing with a new puppy.
17. Having someone play with your hair.
18. Sweet dreams.
19. Holding hands with someone you care about.
20. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
21. Watching the sunrise.
22. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
23. Knowing that somebody misses you.
24. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
25. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.
26. The knowledge that you bring happiness and beauty to someone else's life.
A friend sent this to me and I wanted to share it with everyone else. We all have natural highs that keep us going through the day before we decide to start popping the coffee, caffeine, and everything else. And it makes it fitting that my January 2010 CD is labeled
Don’t Think – Celebrate.
I know that I have been out of touch for awhile now and I hope to rectify that soon. So, for those of you who have been sitting on the edge waiting to hear what happens next in my life, your wish will be granted. I’ll making a new post soon. In the meantime, enjoy the music!
Labels: cd compilation, January, natural
¶ 1/04/2010 09:07:00 AM 2 comments
You would think that I would have found that certain niche in life that was perfect for me, but I spent so long chameleonizing myself that I probably lost track of who I really was.
I know that I am not going to win awards for being Friend of the Year, nor do I expect it. Honestly, I don’t think that anyone can really be the friend of the year as that entails keeping true to you and keeping everyone else around you totally happy. Is that humanly possible? Probably not without cloning yourself to exhibit only a certain personality trait per clone. Maybe then you can satisfy all of society. But it definitely does make me appreciate the little clic’s that I had travelled through in my last ten years.
I moved to San Diego with the idea of starting off fresh; opening up that new chapter in my Book of Life with ‘And Aiden has created a whole new circle and gotten back to his true roots as a person.” Wow, that was totally cheesy. Cheese factor or not, though, it hasn’t been as easy I might have hoped. I have met new people of different walks of life, bothe good and bad, and thought I had a couple that I could really bring into the inner fold that I called my life. But San Diego has fallen more on the sense of image as opposed to the sense of personality…something that is still lacking. And we all know that I didn’t care much about the sense of image back when I was living in the East…I heard all the rumours about how much I was a slut, into the dark and nasty, and extremely cold-hearted. I didn’t hide what I thought about what I thought about others, telling them honestly to their face what I thought about them, and how they treated others as they squashed all on their way to the top.
Sometimes I find it amazing that it doesn’t change as you change your locale within the country…people are people. I sometimes forget that in the hopes that there is something different out there. But is there really anything different in life? Part of me hopes that there is, and part of me knows that there truly isn’t that much in difference.
I had relocated homes a few months ago because I was looking to get a dog to help control my bipolar side as I was refusing to go on medication again…against the advice of a few close to me. But, I knew that being off meds for the last seven years, I wasn’t going to have the…best…reaction to going back on them. Well, after I relocated, it seemed that everyone wanted to disappear from my life. And so I started placing my work as a higher priority. I spent longer hours working bothe in the office and at home, for bothe my normal day to day job, and on the music, researching new artists and songs, and figuring the tracks for new CDs. I would hear from folks only if they really wanted something. And that went for people back east as well. Those who told me, ‘you better not lose touch, I know that I won’t’ all but faded into the background unless there was some serious issue going on. My sister and I kept in touch because there was a lot going on in her life that I could relate to, having worked with the same people she was dealing with on a regular basis now.
I stopped chasing after folks. There was one dude who said he wanted to still keep me around as a friend, and another told me he was still interested in getting to know me for who I was. But I didn’t really hear much from either of them. One was confused as to how to deal with me because he didn’t have any idea where to start, and where the stability was in his life that he felt had lowered down to ‘loser level’ because it was out of his control. I told him that he never was a loser in my book…I never viewed him in that way. But he never followed through on engagements that were set for us to hang, instead claiming that things were so busy that he forgot to inform me of changes…or he just disappeared and then expected me to know that he was out of state or had new changes going on in his life. I guess that happens sometimes. I dunno. The other one I know was looking for a new job so that he didn’t feel so worthless at times, and so that he could get out of the go-go dancing that he was good at…and looked hot doing. What can I say, I can DEFINITELY appreciate a man with muscles in a pair of low-cut no-show bikini briefs. *Pause to readjust the shorts that were starting to bunch from sitting funny on the park bench…Damn when did the cool wind kick in?*
I spent so long chasing after people and trying to start activities that I have decided to put a halt to things and let them come after me. But it doesn’t appear to be very promising on the outlook right now. Looks like I will need to throw back into the swing of things and really start getting out into the community on a fuller level…and, no, I don’t mean that I’ll be walking the street corners showing my ‘talents’. Those are for the priviledged only. And that list has gone down.
The sad part in the gay community is that most are friends are those that we met through an after-club hook-up, or while circling through the world of ManHunt, LifeOUT, Adam4Adam, and all those other hook-up sites for fags. As men, we are driven by our hormones and the innate desire to breed anything that walks on (hopefully) two legs. It’s funny that I am currently writing this as I sit not far from the park trail in Balboa known as Hook-Up Alley, especially at night. At anytime you can walk through and find condom wrappers on the side of the path, or even see two people going at it…homo and hetero.
There is a friend of mine that I had met not long after moving here who I had grown to have some feelings for, but, as usual, he had other things that pre-empted him being able to try for anything deeper than the occasional get-together that consisted of a huff and puff, bump and grind. He talks of wanting to have a few close buds that he can carry that on with depending on their own availability and when he is able to leave his partner behind since their relationship was on the rocks. At some point that passes as being a standard in the gay society…what happened to the thought of belonging to your loved one? If things are that bad to where you BOTHE are going out to look for strange, why do you torture yourselves with something that has fallen into disaster? But I don’t say that to pass judgement, really. I know couples where they look for the strange as an added benefit to their relationship and it works for them…but they already had the strength and trust there to be able to carry it off. It is when that strength and trust is gone that you start wondering about the true reasoning behind it.
Again, I digress into my commentary on other lives. This was supposed to be about me (and, no, I am not pulling a Joan Crawford move).
A few weeks back I had a discussion with someone in regards to our relationship and if it was going to follow one path or another. I kept quiet and he told me that he wasn’t expecting a response right then and there. But I have continually been the focus of his trust issues because I remind him a lot of his ex who totally screwed him over. And I am sorry that his ex completely fucked the world for him, I truly am. But I can’t continually hear from someone ‘I don’t believe you’ or ‘I don’t trust you’ when I haven’t given them any reason to think anything otherwise. And especially when they didn’t know me or my habits. But things got really bad and saw me go into a flashback of six years ago when I was being cut open by the ring I gave my husband and thrown through the laundry room door. That has called an end to certain things and redirected me down another path.
Do I have a moral to the stories here? I don’t know. I know that it has not been easy for me to realize and remember certain things. But I do have to try to remember that those I really call friends are there for me, and I hope that they can remember that I am there for them as well. I know that people back East have definitely seen and felt my presence from 2500 miles away due to recent events. (Love you guys and miss you dearly)
And ultimately, trust the people around you. We all have been fucked over by others in our lives during our time on earth, I know I can definitely attest to it. And while I might not completely trust someone, I don’t continually accuse them of lying to me or not being forward. And I know that should things ever come to the point where they are physical…it probably isn’t a good thing anymore.
¶ 9/20/2008 08:29:00 PM 3 comments
¶ 9/10/2008 05:30:00 PM 0 comments
don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world
are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want,
and, if they can't find them, make them.
-- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) Irish Playwright ¶ 9/07/2008 10:25:00 AM 1 comments
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